Hello Again, it is I “Your Strong Female Lead” whom at the moment is not feeling so strong. It’s hard to explain what has happened over the past day and a half but I’ll do my best. This weekend was my weekend with friends in order to give my mom a break from worrying because she knew I wouldn’t be alone. This was a good plan until I ended up alone at our family cabin Sunday night. I didn’t reach out, I didn’t ask people to stay, I failed myself. I ended up calling Cap to come back and stay and then chickened out and just got off the phone as quick as possible to call the Suicide Lifeline. He got concerned and called either Olive or Amanda who ended up calling my mom and then both of them along with Daisy and Dakota showed back up at the cabin. I cried and begged them to leave me. I started cycling. I don’t know if this is a technical term but it’s what I’ve called it. During a panic attack (the severe ones not the micro ones that just leave me agitated) I will repeat the same statement over and over again. The highlights from last night:
“I don’t deserve you guys”
“Leave me alone”
“You shouldn’t see me like this”
“I hate myself”
“I’m an idiot”
“Please, you don’t understand”
“You would be better off without me”
...you get the idea.
It’s easy to say I scared the shit out of them. The first time I saw someone talking to themselves I was certain they were going to turn into some demon or zombie or something. I can’t imagine watching my friend do that. And what might be an even scarier thing to say is that my brain does that almost constantly, but it’s only a problem when it’s verbal. When it’s verbal it means that I can no longer handle it being locked in by my skull. I cannot handle it alone.
I’m so ashamed, I feel so guilty, and I feel worthless.
What needs to be understood is that I will do whatever it takes to make sure my friends and family are happy and taken care of. This “incident” was literally me doing the opposite of that. I like to think that I’m a good friend who is there for them but, my brain has been telling me that I made all of that up and it would cause a relationship imbalance if I accept their help because they would feel like I was taking from them. I don’t think that’s true. I’m trying to have the thought and not buy it.
Either way I didn’t want them to see me like that. I have this deep rooted feeling that nothing will ever be the same. They will never be able to let me into their lives as they did before. They can’t because I’m damaged. That’s not their fault they may not want to hurt me more or something but, if I cause them pain they need to run the other direction ASAP. But, at the end of the day it is there decision whether they keep me in their life and EITHER WAY I need to accept that. What’s terrifying about my mental illness is that it’s harder to accept that they DO want me in their life than the opposite. But, it broke my heart to hear their sniffles as tears streamed down their faces watching me decompensate.
And then there’s Captain whom was the last to leave therefore the first one I called. I figured if I asked him to turn around he would be the quickest but, I couldn’t ask him for help and I’m not sure why. He has always been there if I needed him and I don’t know why I didn’t give him a chance to help me. I didn’t give any of them a chance really. But, that’s what panic does it throws all logic out the window and leaves you with really shitty options. I hope he learns he can rely on me again.
Back to the story though. My mom was called and my dad too. My mom had my friends drive me half way to meet her. That was a long ride. Myself in the back seat with Daisy and Amanda, Dakota driving and Olive sitting shotgun trying to figure out the music situation while simultaneously trying to kill a bug using her phone, it was quite a site. I cracked jokes uncomfortably because I can’t help it. My mom recommended we play a song in the car that we all used to listen and dance spastically to in the car. This recommendation was “Stars” by “Nicki Something” which can be translated to the 2012 hit “Starships” by Nicki Minaj. Everyone hesitantly sang along. I did explain a bit about what I was experiencing. My intrusive thoughts were so bad I requested Dakota lock the car door because my brain was telling me to jump out. I didn’t tell her that was the reason but, I’m assuming she got the gist because she proceeded to ask me to put my seatbelt on. I complied obviously.
I apologized at a rate of a about every 10 minutes I think and thanked them about every 5. I needed them to know they were appreciated and that I would not let this pain I put them in be in vain.
Once we got to the meeting spot I switched cars. Once in moms car I tried to explain. It wasn’t that I couldn’t be alone, it was that I needed to prepare myself before that happened. I needed time to put safety measures in my brain etc. I know it sounds stupid but, it’s a huge trigger for me to be alone and I shouldn’t have let it happen. I should’ve been more emotionally intelligent than that.
It’s over now though. And after we reached home my mom and I went to bed. All I could think of was the shame. She explained how she related to it because that’s how she felt when she would drink excessively (she’s a recovering alcoholic and the strongest person I know). It helped a bit because she tried to relay that it doesn’t last and it’s never as bad as we perceive it. Too bad my perception is fucked.
I called Jazz the next morning and she recommended Partial Hospitalization. I did Pediatric Partial my sophomore year of high school and it was arguably the best thing I ever did for my mental health. It’s basically like a day camp to rehab your coping skills. I was hesitant at first, mostly because I was being told I had no other choice and that just makes me stubborn but, also because my brain was telling me that Jazz just didn’t want to deal with me anymore and that she was pawning me off on someone else. She rejected this claim and explained some more on why that’s not true. I understood and eventually asked what my next move should be.
When it comes to getting into mental health programs the easiest thing is to go through emergency psych systems. It’s the quickest and most efficient way and so knowing this and knowing I needed help I was instructed to call the Mobile Crisis Team to evaluate me and hopefully set me up with an intake appointment for partial. I have recommended the crisis team to people in the past not really knowing what it is they do but now that I know I would recommend them even more. They were phenomenal. These three women came and sat at my kitchen table and listened and did all they could to help me. The got me an appointment for Thursday and gave me advice on how to make it through. I created a safety plan with them (which I do daily in my head anyway) and they were actually quite impressed on how eloquently I could express my feelings and how organized I was when I handed them my Medication Sheet listing all my current medications, the dosage, the prescribing physician, and the approximate date I started taking the med. They gave me hope which is truly invaluable.
They also didn’t take away my independence of living in my apartment. My mom expressed concern about me staying here alone but, what I explained to her and the team is this is my safe place. It is “baby proofed” and I’m safe here. She understood that and the team agreed I’m safe there.
My plan is to continue my life as normally as I can. As normally as my friends and family can tolerate. I don’t want them to think that I am minimizing what they experienced by just going back to normal so I’m being cautious. I texted the five people who were aware of the situation last night a long winded apology and explanation. I encouraged them to ask questions if they had them and I made sure to thank them for everything. I received responses with “I’m proud of you” and “I love you” and it was meaningful until my brain twisted it. On Monday nights my friends watch the bachelorette and I had to call Olive to make sure it would be okay if I came still because my brain was telling me they needed space from me. She shot that down though and gave me the validation to go. It was hard though to see everyone so exhausted from the lack of sleep the night before, Dakota had to go to work at 7:45am and I’m sure she didn’t get to sleep until 2 or 3. The guilt is heavy but, I’m okay.
I’m still planning on doing most the things I want to do. Saturday we are supposed to go back to the Cabin. When I brought this up while driving to meet my mom with all my friends in the car, Olive said “let’s just worry about right now,” and this terrified me because I didn’t want to put my life on hold but, then Dakota said “but, we’re staying over next weekend so it should be better” this left me hopeful.
I don’t feel strong I feel broken. This is okay though because I’m working on getting my shit together and that I guess that makes me strong. I’m exhausted so I’m going to end this post here but through my words I send you love. Living is not easy don’t let them tell you otherwise but, it’s also beautiful so we need to stick around and see what the rest of life has to offer. Stay Strong, I know I’m trying to.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
