WARNING: the following post contains content about suicide. It may not be suitable for someone struggling with this topic. Reader discretion is advised.
You are never alone don’t forget that. There are resources:
The NAMI HelpLine: 800-950-6264
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Crisis Text Line: can be reached by texting HOME to 741-741
As soon as I walked in and saw the sign I realized this might have been a mistake. The title of this program in big bold letters on the wall. I thought maybe I was in the wrong place so I asked someone where adult Partial was, they restated the name I had read on the wall. I got goosebumps. I send patients here...we discharge patients to the very program I’m about to be admitted to. I feel kinda faint and my stomach is in knots. I don’t know what I’m more scared of my coworkers finding out I’m here or a patient having a preconceived notion of me before I even open my mouth. And not to mention how hard it would be for them to share with me as a peer after I was a part of their care team. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I talked to the social worker doing the consultation and she explained that if I’m in a group with a former patient I can request to switch but she hasn’t admitted anyone from my employer in a while. I’m freaking out. There’s a security guy walking around what the fuck is he for? I’m freaking out. I guess we will find out on Monday.
The social worker doing my admission had to ask me a long list of personal questions. Then we got to my history and the way that my illness is presenting. OCD can present in different ways. There’s the stereotypical “neat freak” with obsessions and compulsions like “if I don’t flick the lights on and off three times my cat will die” or “if I step on a sidewalk crack my car is going to breakdown” and then there’s thought OCD.
Thought OCD is a more general label and to be honest I don’t know if it’s s clinical term at all. DISCLAIMER: OCD presents differently in everyone so this is not an official guide or anything this is just what I experience. Now that we have that out of the way let’s breakdown my symptoms.
Cognitive Distortions
Googles Definition: Ways that our mind convinces us of something that isn't really true
My Definition: A literal mindfuck
So, Cognitive Distortions can present in so many different ways but here are the common ones with examples
Filtering is when you take the negative details and magnify them while ignoring the positive aspects of the situation completely. An example is last night I went to a musical that an old friend of mine who I hadn’t seen in like a year was starring in. I ran into her mom and we chatted about how she was doing and I like awkwardly offered if she ever needed headshots to let me know and she was like “oh she gets those done at school” and I responded “oh of course she does. Duh I am so stupid” blah blah blah. So, that interaction seems pretty rough but that’s because I have filtered out that her mom said she “will be so excited to see me” and that she “absolutely adores” me. But, throughout the show all I could think about was why the fuck I offered my photo services in that moment. It’s invalidating and makes communication ten times harder.
Polarized Thinking, or black and white thinking, forces you into a mindset of “if we’re not perfect we have failed.” That’s why it’s hard for me to think I’m a good person because I feel like I fuck up too much. I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what box someone/something fits in “good or bad” or “healthy or unhealthy” and it really can be distressing.
Overgeneralization is a distortion that allows us to come to a general conclusion based on a single interaction or incident. This speaks to the concept that people with OCD make excessive connections between things. So, I get one bad grade on a test then I step in dog shit. The world is out to get me and here’s the beginning of the cycle of defeat.
Catastrophizing (it’s a real word look it up) is when you magnify the problem and again make connections too easily. For example back to the test grade:
- I get the bad test grade
- now I’m going to fail the class
- if I fail the class I’m never going to graduate
- if I never graduate I’ll never get a good job
- if I never get a job I’ll never be able to support myself
- If I’m never able to support myself I’ll never find someone to love me
- If I never find someone to love me I’ll never get married
- If I never get married I’m going to end up alone
So, I got a D on a test and all of sudden I’m dying alone...quite the jump don’t you think?
Arbitrary Interference also known as jumping to conclusions. An example: Olive didn’t text an invite to the group chat until someone asked in the group chat —-> she must not have wanted me to know about it and was going to text everyone separately. She must hate me. This is an actually thought I had MONDAY NIGHT. Thankfully I was strong enough to ask her if she wanted me there and she said yes so, crisis avoided but sometimes I’ll be stuck on assumptions for years before clearing it up. And you know what they say about assuming...
Personalization is my major distortion. This is the one that causes me to believe I’m causing people cancer. That I’m causing some sort of unhealthy external event in someone else. It’s my fault I’m the common denominator, I’m the cause. On the flip side too it also makes me believe that every action others make is deliberate. Someone shifts in their seat while looking at their phone ——> they must be texting about me. It makes me look noisy or clingy or both. Not great for relationships.
Cycling
Not a clinical term but this basically describes the “mind racing” I experience in my head all of the time. All negative comments about myself “you should die” “you’re ugly” “you’re the worst” play again and again and then when something in life happens that validates one of those it’s like a tree diagram and opens up 50 new insults for myself. It’s negative self-talk in a tornado. Orbiting in and out of my consciousness. And when I’m having a panic attack they get too fast and loud to keep in so they become verbal. I look like I’m talking to myself saying the same thing over and over again.
Rumination
Googles definition: Compulsively focusing on one's own negative thoughts
My Definition: Brain quick sand
Often rumination is coupled with a cognitive distortion. So like I ruminate or obsess over my personalization that I cause others cancer or I ruminate over offering headshots when I should have just been happy to talk to my friends mom earlier. Can’t get past it, it sucks ya in.
Hoarding
Google Definition: A persistent difficulty discarding or parting with possessions because of a perceived need to save them
My Definition: What if I need that? I don’t want to run out!
My hoarding hasn’t gotten me buried alive but, when I like things I like them in excess. You never know when targets just going to stop having their jeans. Deals/Limited Edition also get me. 5 bottles of soap for twenty bucks saves me three dollars? Consider it done. Why do you need 5 bottles of soap? I don’t want to run out! And this T-shirt you will most likely never wear is limited edition. Well what if I decide I would wear it and it’s gone! Better get it now! I’m very impulsive while shopping. I have a shirt from Old Navy in like 6 different colors because I liked it that much. I don’t need it in 6 colors I just wanted it.
Hyper-vigilance
Google Definition: An enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviors whose purpose is to detect activity
My Definition: I’m low key psychic because of it
When I’m performing any task I’m calculating all the possible ways it can go wrong and how to fix it. It’s what will make me a good nurse some day but also an annoying person. It may seem like I’m a know-it-all but it’s that I’ve played out every timeline in my head. I don’t like any surprises.
Guilt
Google Definition: Feeling responsible or regretful for a perceived offense, real or imaginary
My Definition: The real reason why I do nice things for people
I am riddled with guilt. Survivors guilt from losing my friend to brain cancer, guilt for being a part of a broken health system, guilt for being able to go to college and drive a car when so many can’t, guilt for being an American knowing how much damage we caused the Native American population and other populations of people throughout the world. Coupled with general anxiety that leaves me constantly worried and chronic empathy that makes me feel others pain very intensely I am a mess. Guilt drives a lot of my thoughts and feelings.
Intrusive Thoughts
Google Definition: An unwelcome involuntary thought, image, or unpleasant idea that may become an obsession, is upsetting or distressing, and can feel difficult to manage or eliminate
My Definition: Makes my life a living hell
Intrusive thoughts have made me feel as if I was in a nightmare since I can remember. Basically I have this thought right, for me it’s quite visual, and I see a vision of myself doing something whether it be as minute as throwing my phone out of the school bus window or kissing my social studies tutor. These visuals shock me and then I judge them. What do they mean? Why am I having this thought? I’m crazy! I must be crazy! Why would I do that? Am I looking for attention? Etc. These thoughts cloud my brain when I don’t keep them in check. When I am on my game I can do some real CBT magic and let the thoughts come and go without paying too much attention to them or judging them. Because here’s the thing they NEVER go away but as long as you don’t let them suck you into their quick sand you will be ok. And they aren’t all bad. Like I said before, coupled with the hypervigilance, I can see all of the ways something can happen. The problem is that when my mood goes down and depression snakes it’s way in the intrusive thoughts get darker and darker. My suicidal ideation also comes in visions. I see all of the horrible things that I could do to myself so vividly. It’s traumatic and it puts me into panic modes like no other. The other night when I was at our cabin and had that horrible panic attack, this is what was happening. Everywhere I looked I saw my lifeless body self-injured with the feeling in my gut like I’d already done it. I scared the shit out of myself. Partial is hopefully going to help me get my skills stronger so I can better let those thoughts flow in and out without paying no mind.
Ritualistic Behavior
Google Definition: Involves the performance of daily activities in the same manner each time
My Definition: In order or not at all thanks
Everyone has a routine that they due on a daily basis even if it isn’t conscious. We get up and do things in a certain order, we go to class and sit in the same seat we did all year, or we have to do our shower routine in the same order each time because if we don’t it won’t be efficient and something bad might happen. We all do that right? Obviously I’m kidding that was my ritual for a while but then after some exposure therapy, doing my shower order different every day, I have broken this ritual and it’s hold over me. But, I’m sure there are other things I haven’t noticed yet regarding rituals.
Checking
I can’t find a literal definition for this but, basically it’s the feeling you didn’t unplug your hair straightener and you check three times or you didn’t turn the oven off or, for me, did you put the deadbolt on the door? Checking is the compulsion that comes with the worry and self-doubt OCD brings. Your reality is distorted due to all of the above and therefore your memory is not to be trusted.
This is my OCD. Not everyone has these symptoms, some have ones that I don’t experience. But, when I was describing these to the admitting social worker, she sounded exhausted just typing it. See I deal with this every waking minute so, sometimes I don’t give credit to the fact that I haven’t lost my shit yet. Yes, there are people that have it worse than me and yes I am so lucky I have access to treatment like but, that doesn’t minimize what I’m going through. I’m not saying I’m special or stronger than others because we ALL have our shit but, maybe we ALL should learn how to be kinder to ourselves. I say this a lot and I never take my own advice but, not for lack of trying. The distortions and intrusions are just louder than positive affirmations in my head. But, I am trying and as my girl Demi Lovato says “there’s no finish line, you just keep going.” Because recovery is not linear but, it is continuous!
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead