Hi, ok so another episode is technically in between the last one and this one you are reading but, I’m having a lot of emotions and need them to chill.
Tomorrow (Monday) will be Day 6 of my stint in “Adult Partial Hospitalization Program” which is basically day camp for mental illness but, instead of doing arts and crafts and ropes courses you learn about coping mechanisms. It’s really a great program and we will get into more detail regarding it in the episode that we are skipping over but, don’t worry it will be revisited.
I’m having trouble with finding hope right now. Yesterday, I had a glimpse of it and the day before that too but, sitting in my car tonight not so much.
I was at Olive’s house with all my friends and we had a great two hour hang out. We recapped what the hell had happened last night at Captain’s going away party/roast. I laughed til I wheezed which made everyone else laugh more and it felt good. I’ve been exhausted all weekend though and kinda spacey. In partial we do weekend planning for safety reasons and to give us a clear idea of what we are working on and mine were
- Practice Mindfulness
- Get Adequate Sleep
- Make a Collection of Positive Affirmations
- Do what I want to do not what others think I should do (Basically means to not drink)
- Pick up apartment
1 I got done by doing car karaoke which is just singing to a song in your car because you can’t really focus on much else when you’re doing that. 2 was a failure starting Friday night. 3 I’m still yet to do but, have every intention to. 4 I succeeded in and I’m glad because you aren’t allowed to drink when you’re in Program but, also I know that one of my buddies from partial was also staying sober this weekend so we basically made a pact and I held up my side. And 5 was a major success.
So, what is this post even about? Four words ‘the dreaded drop off.’ This is when I have a great night full of high amounts of joy and laughter and then after leaving, my mood plummets. And even with all the work I’m doing and everything I still have this plummet and it’s just really discouraging. Hope is hard to find in general with mental illness so, being discouraged is not a helpful feeling. I tell myself everyday that recover is not a straight line up, your going to have ups and downs. But, I can tell myself this all I want it doesn’t change the fact that I feel like I’m not getting better and maybe there isn’t any hope for me anyway. I’m using mindfulness though and it’s helping. Also opposite action and other having a thought and not buying it type things but, I’m not better. I’m not good. And I feel as if I should be. It’s definitely not as bad as it was but, it almost feels different. It feels like I fell from a two story building and yeah that fucked me up and really sucks but, then I fell from one story and it still sucks because even though it’s less distance to fall, I’m still bruised from the last time so it still hurts like a bitch. I’m pushing through though, remembering my reasons to live. I’m making a collage of photos to put as my phone background to remind me of all the good.
As Demi Lovato said in her post today “I will keep fighting”
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
