You can’t always get what you want. Mr. Jagger said it best.
This job hunt process has been pretty grueling. Those around me had things locked in before the semester even started and I’m now fighting the thoughts in my brain about being behind on a daily basis. It fascinates me that all I want is to be done with school and yet, thinking about my life after school sends me into a spiral. I know this is a very common soon to be college graduate thing so, in a weird way it’s refreshing to be normal even in such a shitty way.
I’m a good person but, I am not special. There aren’t going to be these golden doors that open and give me everything I want. I have lived a very privileged life considering and am very lucky for it. I remind myself of this with every job I apply for. I keep my expectations low in order to lessen the disappointment. But, this past week or so I let that get away from me. I let the hope and excitement of a potential job opportunity get away from me and now I’m here in a pool of anxiety as a friend of mine accepts the job.
I am honestly happy for him but, jealousy is a natural feeling and I’m having it. I’m admitting it!! We need to normalize jealousy! It’s ok!!!
Without jealousy no one would have any drive to be better. When handle healthily it is just a natural part of human experience. Doesn’t make it any easier though.
What sucks is that it makes me question myself. I have a shadow at the same floor next week and I’m wondering if they are just gonna cancel it or what? Are there two spots? What’s the deal? I guess I won’t know until then but, the uncertainty isn’t eating me up like it usually does. I’m just sad.
I’m not sad because of the position necessarily because I know that this was a long shot from the beginning. I mean if I had a dime for each time I had been told “you don’t start at your dream job,” I legit wouldn’t need a job at all. No, it’s not this position necessarily but that I’m actually scared I can’t do it. That I don’t deserve a job where I want. That I’m not good enough or strong enough. I put a lot of pressure on a job position I might not even like. A position I haven’t even shadowed for yet.
It’s like I’ve learned nothing!
I recognize this now. I need to to remember there will not be a solution to these thoughts. Even if I had gotten the job, I would feel better for maybe a week and then be desperately terrified of letting them down.
It’s like with my cat I have this constant fear I accidentally let him out. Although, it’s impossible for him to sneak out without being seen it’s something that gives me so much anxiety! So I thought about getting a tracking device to put on his collar so I know he’s home. But, I’ve realized that even if I saw that he was home with the tracking device I would just convince myself he slipped his collar off and is just free roaming.
OCD finds a way to thwart whatever preventative measures you present. So, I will not try to prevent this. I will let these feelings of doubt wash over me and let them wash away. Like quick sand, struggling with them makes you sink deeper.
I will try to focus on the here and now. I will remember there is still a chance theres a second opening without attaching my entire self worth to if they hire me or not. I will remind myself that I have worked hard for what I have earned as difficult as it is to believe. And I will SLAY this interview to the best of my ability.
Because the rest of that Jagger quote reminds us that “If you try sometimes you might find, you get what you need”
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
