WARNING: the following post contains content about suicide. It may not be suitable for someone struggling with this topic. Reader discretion is advised.
You are never alone don’t forget that. There are resources:
The NAMI HelpLine: 800-950-6264
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Crisis Text Line: can be reached by texting HOME to 741-741
A year ago today was the closest I’ve ever been to taking my own life.
I wish I can say that I regret ever thinking like that or that I have some new lease on life that has allowed me to not sweat the small stuff and see the beauty in everything. Unfortunately that is just not the case.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve come leaps and bounds from where I was a year ago and I’ve learned a lot about what I want for myself in this life and worked to try to attain it. But, that euphoria that some people talk about after they get that close is not something I experienced and I have not become unfamiliar with the darkness either.
Over the past year my mental illness evolved into something I didn’t think it ever would. I reached some very low lows in friendships that I trusted. I got hurt...really hurt. But, none of that reached the low I reached a year ago. I’m stronger but, I’m not happier and that’s the bitter truth.
These are the building years...or rather the rebuilding years. I’m changing my priorities in life. Rearranging people and breaking habits. Trying not to strictly rely on precedent and instead rely what feels right now. I won’t deny all the ridiculous things my mental illness has made me get upset with over the years but, I will not live by the rules my disorder gave the world.
In reality no one knows what it’s like in my head. The fight to stay alive. The fight to not cut everyone off because they will eventually hurt me. The fight to not quit everything in my life because I will eventually fail. I cannot hold myself back any longer if I want to make this life one worth living.
My heart aches thinking about a year ago. My heart aches thinking about what I would have missed. I would have missed a lot of good but, also a hell of a lot of pain.
I cannot believe I survived this past year. Truly. I can’t wait until all these building blocks I’m putting together start showing some real life benefits. I’m doing all the hard work now for later. I can’t wait until later but, I’m trying to also enjoy now.
I have a cat now. Never thought I would say that. I love him for real. A fucking cat.
I’m engaged in politics and taking steps to get more involved. My brain continues to tell me I can’t do it whether it be I’m not smart enough or I’m going to overwhelm myself.
I’m being more intentional in my friendships, spending time with the friends who have earned my trust not just the ones who are there.
I try not to hold myself to an unreasonable standard and give myself credit where credit is due.
I almost gave up a year ago. And I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it since. But, I’m not giving up today. I’m choosing to stay. I even got a tattoo on my ankle that says “stay” to prove my dedication. I’m going to fight for this. Even when it feels like I’m drowning and life is impossible. I need to be patient and put in the work.
Sorry if this is scatterbrained. It hurts to think about this pain. It hurts to remind myself that there will always be pain. It hurts to remind myself that I could’ve been out of pain. But, what doesn’t hurt is looking at the life I’m building. Looking at my sisters pregnant ass belly and as uncomfortable as it makes me (I have a pregnancy phobia) thinking about how I want to be a part of that life. Looking at my stupid cat and thinking about the stupid promise I made him to take a LONG life journey. Looking at my friends like Olive, Cleo, Amelia, June, Leanne and their boyfriends and thinking that I cannot miss where these wonderful lives they are building will go. And I cannot miss meeting the people that eventually take my other incredible friends off the market…who else will grill them like me? I can’t miss any of that and I cannot leave the wake of destruction that will bulldoze through my parents life. So, I fight for them. And damn through all of the bullshit and the people that do hurt me, they are worth the fight.
A year ago today I was the closest I’ve ever been to taking my own life. Now, I see the person I was a year ago and I commend her for fighting through that moment and I wish I could tell her it gets easier but, the levels keep getting harder...you just get better at playing the game.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
((And just a reminder you never have to do this on your own. Don’t suffer if you don’t have to. If you are in crisis text ‘Connect’ to 741-741 or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 you deserve to be helped, you don’t deserve to suffer if you don’t have to))
