You haven’t lived until you’ve cried off two layers of olive green face paint. Did I paint a good picture for you? And oddly enough this is an episode about success.
If you’ve read this blog carefully you may have concluded that I struggle with friendships but, I have a lot of them. It’s a very very confusing paradox that has loomed over my life for over a decade. The basic version of it is: I make friends and I make a lot of them then I become completely crippled with anxiety that I will lose each and every one of them. I become even more anxious that I will lose them to other people or that my position in a group will become obsolete with these new found people. I know what you may be thinking “Oh, she’s just jealous!” And as someone that is obsessed with determining my subconscious intentions I have thought the same thing. But, after investigating for the better part of 4 years with my psychologist, I have realized that I know jealousy and I am not afraid or disgusted by it. Jealousy is normal and I cannot hold this opinion while also feeling this genuine fear that I get from my OCD telling me I’m going to be erased.
After talking to my friends about this and realizing that some of them don’t get it (or do and don’t care idk) I came to the conclusion that I am the only one who can help me out of this. I have been faced with the fact that people may not change their actions and you run that risk when addressing a problem but, you CAN try to rewire years of feeling invisible and all that does to your self-esteem right? It’s much harder but, yes.
At first, I just avoided this trigger. I limited my exposure to group social situations, I strengthen my individual relationships, and I was honest with my “team captains” (as I think of my closest friends) about what was going on in my brain. This went well for a while but, you can’t segment your life like this without eventually feeling lonely and disengaged from the people you are trying so hard not to lose. So, I faced my fear.
Tonight we all went to a lacrosse game as a group. Everyone. In one room. The lead up was terrifying but, even worse was the thought of the post game outing that I would inevitably not be able to attend. This could be my Achilles heel.
It would literally be the perfect storm of people. All of whom I either have anxiety around or am terrified of losing. It wouldn’t be there fault if I become invisible but, I wouldn’t necessarily blame them if they did. Without me there to watch everything that went down how would I know that they weren’t lying to me? How would I know if they all hit it off? How will I know if I become obsolete? I can’t be blindsided by this!
An aside:
The fear that even typing this is creating makes me feel as if I could pass out and I’m not exaggerating.
This fear is running from a bear fear, being pushed off a building fear, drowning in the canal fear. I feel my blood pressure dropping as my heart rate rises. My body feels like it’s in shock.
I must be there to monitor and make sure that everything’s ok right? Even though I hate bars and will just overthink every fucking gesture. Even though I can’t talk or hear in bars because they are too loud. Even though it’s bad for me to drink because it can truly fuck me up the day after.
But, I’m not there. I’m at home tears streaming down my cheeks past a smile on my face? Confusing I know. But, I’m here after having a great time. I didn’t give in. I didn’t let one comment throw me off. I trusted my friend. I relied on my team captains and called one of them for support.
A year ago I would have been hospitalized from this tonight. And who knows I mean the aftershocks of hearing stories of all the events that are going to happen tonight and the inside jokes that I won’t understand could still send me spiraling. But tonight, even though I’m fucking terrified and my body is lowkey demonstrating symptoms of shock...I win.
You can’t beat mental illness in one night with one action or even a billion actions. It’ll always be there. And some people won’t understand it, or it’ll take them time but, when they do you will feel seen and heard. And if you are as lucky as I am to have a friend observe and recognize how hard you work “every second of every day” you will remember that it may be all in your head but, that doesn’t mean it’s not real. And your not “broken” or “bad” you are just you and you struggle with OCD the same way people struggle with asthma or diabetes.
So, tonight I take an Ativan, because again I feel like a bear is chasing me off a cliff into the ocean, and I’ll snuggle my cat (because I’m that person now) and I’ll go to sleep and I’ll probably wake up tomorrow anxious and sad but, I’ll remember my win today. I’m still here and you all can see me. That’s big.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
