CONTENT WARNING: the following post contains content about suicide and self-harm. It may not be suitable for someone struggling with this topic. Reader discretion is advised.
You are never alone don’t forget that. There are resources:
The NAMI HelpLine: 800-950-6264
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Crisis Text Line: can be reached by texting HOME to 741-741
I’ve been in the pressure cooker that is the road to becoming a nurse for so long now it’s hard to imagine a life where I don’t have to worry when my next exam is or if I can afford to relax. But, now all of that is over.
I’m officially graduated and officially a Registered Nurse. Holy shit. That’s insane.
When I started on this road of nursing I was so wide eyed and naive to the work that it would really take and the work I would need to do on myself. If you know me or have read this blog you most likely know that I started at a different college than the one I graduated from. I lasted a week. My mental illness was exacerbated by the huge life change. My thoughts were racing. I thought there was only one way out and that was to end my life. But, obviously I didn’t take that route. I went home to my parents who were not happy with me. They didn’t quite understand and thought I just wasn’t trying hard enough. I barely left my room that first week home. Instead I laid in bed either crying or binge watching David Dobriks vlogs. My dad would barely speak to me.
I didn’t give up though. I got help and started enrolling in classes at the local community college that ended up being the place that changed me the most. The stigma around community college at the suburban high school I went to made it difficult to confess where I was attending at first. Now I am elated to say that I’m Alumni and am proud of where I came from.
Every semester I either gained a part of myself back or discovered a new one with the help of my wonderful therapist. I would have panic attacks quite frequently every semester especially at the beginning where the fear of the unknown would basically eat me alive. For the last two semesters of nursing school I am happy to say that I was able to manage my beginning of the year anxiety that caused me to miss countless first days of school. It got better even when I thought it never could.
I made friends and I lost friends. I lost myself and then realized I wasn’t that person anyway and basically started from scratch. I learned from everyone I came into contact with. I created relationships with people that I will cherish for the rest of my life. Unique people, from so many different backgrounds than me that have opened my eyes to different worlds. Made me appreciate what I have and realize that none of the extra shit matters anyway if you don’t have love behind it.
I fought some of my darkest demons too. I came close to ending my life again. I battled with self-harm. I cried...a lot. I was irrationally terrified...a lot. I had to trust others more than I thought was healthy (I was wrong). I cut people out of my life and learned the importance of boundaries. I love a good boundary.
I studied a lot throughout nursing school and worked really fucking hard. Ended up quitting my job at one point and dedicated myself to school. I ended up in the nurses honors society (only 11/56 students got it...I’m so humble). I basically lived on campus studying. I also won an award for psych mental health nursing...how ironic seeming as that’s the semester that I struggled with the most.
The job search was disheartening but ended happily. I will be a Pediatric Oncology and Hematology Nurse. A dream that I always had but was constantly afraid to follow in fear of being triggered of memories from my past. But, now with a healthier understanding of my grief, I’m prepared to use my experience to help my patients and their families. I believe it helped me get hired along with my dazzling personality lol.
And then the NCLEX which is the nursing board exam. Basically designed to make you think you failed. I studied for weeks. Endless hours in the library. I’m so proud of myself for that. I worked hard and it paid off. I’m a nurse...for real.
I’m ready to start this new chapter. It honestly feels like “season 2” of my story. I mean probably more like 4 or 5 considering how quick we age during childhood and adolescence but for simplicity sake: Season 2. So this is like the season 1 finale I guess.
I have grown up so much since I started this website. When I called it the “girl with the green glasses” even though I wear my contacts every day. All I’ve ever wanted (and still want) is to feel heard. The creation of this blog helped me shout into a void. Then I slowly opened it up to more of my loved ones giving them an inside look into the thoughts that are often to uncomfortable to be discussed in regular conversation. And then it backfired. I hurt people. Not because of the things I wrote (which are hard to read at times I admit) but, because I wasn’t saying these things to them, it was unspoken and awkward. I drew back. I deleted the Instagram and made it less accessible. It saved me a lot of stress. I never wanted this to blog to seem like a long ass subtweet. My goal was to be proactive not passive-aggressive. But, it got lost in translation and instead of dwelling on it I apologized and moved on. I grew from every mis-step. I learned.
So, what’s next? Well I don’t start work for another month and a half. I’m planning some trips and working on binging the last three seasons of homeland before the new one comes out. Tough road ahead, I know. I also really want to learn that cool loopy hand lettering and have been working on it actually. I also just want to sleep in, relax and hang with my cat. Still can’t believe I have a fucking cat.
My life is about to change majorly. I’m terrified for adulthood: Bills, taxes, insurance, etc. My stomach drops just thinking about it. But, I’m ready to learn and am prepared to accept defeat a few times and remember I can’t be an expert at something I’ve never been taught. I’m ready to start asking for help and being SUPER specific as to not lose the goal of what I need and limit the guess work that can cause so much anxiety. Again, boundaries!
What a long strange trip it’s been...and it will continue.
Cheers to a wonderful season of laughs, f-bombs, and panic attacks. Season two is about to go OFF. Hope you’re ready...hope I’m ready.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead RN
