Someone in the atrium smells like weed.
I’m exhausted by my emotions, will do anything to shut them off and someone in the atrium smells like weed
I’m alone and spiraling, I’m exhausted by my emotions, will do anything to shut them off and someone in the atrium smells like weed
I am having the thought that I do not deserve love/security, I’m alone and spiraling, I’m exhausted by my emotions, will do anything to shut them off and someone in the atrium smells like weed.
It all builds on each other really. Loneliness sparks it. But, loneliness happens if people are around or not. It’s worse when no one is around though. I like conversation even if its about nothing. I’m never truly fulfilled by conversation anyway. I’m doubtful that there are any words to describe my feelings. I’m just a sad sack of shit. I don’t know what I’m complaining about, my life is good...everything’s fine. I feel as if people are going to give up on me soon.
YIKES ok I gotta stop myself and take a break.
This cycle is stimulated by a lack of stimulation. The feeling of never being satisfied with myself or anything else. I’ve gone full “Id” wanting things here and now and wanting only things that create positive stimulation. But, nothing can/will break through because the reality is I’ve shut off my emotions because they are too much to handle. If I open that door I’ll fall apart. I’ll do something stupid. I don’t want to feel that...I’d rather feel nothing. So, I’ve been dissociating also known as separating myself from my feelings. I feel nothing which is useful but, it leaves me unsatisfied which leads me to be full “Id” which leads me to make stupid decisions. And the worst part is that any positive emotion that leads me to put my guard down is just a ploy to open the door and the negative emotions are quick to follow.
Because its all or nothing kid, you can’t feel no sadness and still feel happiness.
So, that rush you get from seeing a crush or answering a question right or hearing a good joke...it all comes at a price.
If you think I sound dramatic, thats fine...Its probably because you don’t have all the information but, I’m a dick and I’m not ready to talk about it all so suck it.
Like the new attitude? Gee thanks just bought it...along with the same shirt in like 40 different colors because shopping is a thing I do when I’m stressed.
But, I do feel powerful because I recently talked to a class of 20 kids about my story. MY mental illness story and it was so well received. It makes me feel powerful but, again that feeling opens up for others.
I have a choice to make:
Option 1: Feel nothing so I can avoid the deep deep darkness but, in the process feel no joy and be in a constant lull
Option 2: Feel everything so that joy doesn’t come with consequences but, in the process feel horribly depressed
What a disgusting game of ‘would you rather?’
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
