“You ok now? Stable?”
The PA’s Russian accent and soft voice made this question about my mental health less threatening. I responded with a “yes” and a smile. The word stable is quite comical to me and has different meanings to different people. To me, “Stable” means at baseline. His question was asking whether I was an immediate harm to myself or others. The answer is no but, am I stable? I would say no.
I’m here at a pain specialist continuing the never ending saga of my ominous rib pain. It’s the most consistent thing in my life right now. The pain is always there and makes it very difficult to breathe. But, I don’t talk about it. I don’t want people to think I’m weak or worse, attention seeking. When it gets really bad I can’t avoid to grimace at which point people will ask “that’s still bothering you?” Oh yeah my friends it doesn’t go away. And from what I’m hearing from doctors, it won’t.
So, I’m at a pain management specialist. They can’t find the cause and can’t cure what they can’t see but, then can attempt to curb the symptoms. Similar to mental illness to be honest, you gotta manage the symptoms.
But, this Russian PA, he just gave me some hope. He wants me to get an MRI, doesn’t want to “fly blind”. More imaging, that’s what I’ve been asking for but, instead they sent me to pain management and I accepted this referral because I knew fighting wouldn’t help. I felt doubted, I felt as if I was being dismissed. And I was.
Today’s different though! They ordered an MRI! We shall see what it shows but at least we will do more investigating.
Most of my healthcare has been trial and error. That’s mental health care most of the time and that’s the section of health care I experience the most. Pain also follows the same trial and error system sometimes. But, today we decided not to just accept fate and to find out more information. If only I could do that with my mental illness. An MRI for the causalities of my OCD, depression, and my dark thoughts. What’s really driving it, which medications can really help the specific neurotransmitter imbalance I have. Wow I wish.
Then again I wish a lot of things and I do have to admit one of those is to be stable. I would love to have “nothing to report” to my psychiatrist. Not my psychologist though. The minute I have nothing to report to her will be the minute I stop growing and learning.
So, no I’m not stable. I think that I will be again someday. I think I will find my baseline of being content. It doesn’t mean being happy all the time, it just means not suffering everyday. Stability means only the normal amount of suffering that life brings, none of this other bullshit.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
