Ok yes the depression is lifting a little. Good things. But, the thoughts...hm the thoughts get worse when the depression is lifting.
I can’t help but be self-conscious and anxious at every turn. But, it’s better than the dark cloud I was drowning under.
And it’s interesting that it’s lifting of course at such a stressful time in my life. I did a med change back to an old tried and true antidepressant and I’m glad I did because I’m feeling better already but, life’s hit me with that one, two punch. Again, nothing I can’t handle it just sucks it’s all happening at once.
So, what am I talking about? Well I found out that I have a long abnormal lesion on one vocal chord and a cyst on the other, I was taken out of singing which sucks ass. I hate sitting on the sidelines more than anything and can’t see a specialist for a few more weeks. That MRI I was so looking forward to was cancelled because my insurance company didn’t approve it. Which sucks and I don’t know if or when I’ll get it and I’m still in pain. Also, school is a literal bitch and a half and so stigmatizing I just need to make it through to...maternity which is so scary because pregnancy is my actual phobia I think it’s so gross but, it’s better than this bullshit I’m learning now.
BUT! Just because I’m complaining doesn’t mean I am not thankful to have the medical treatment I have or the care I have etc. Everything will be ok it’s just gonna take time. What I’m REALLY worried about is the depression lifting. It sounds insane I know but, this is the most dangerous time.
I’ve already found myself isolating a bit and not reaching out because I “don’t want to bother him/her” but, then they don’t reach out and I assume I was right. Was I? No! People have busy ass lives and I do too. Texting people can be very stressful to me. Sometimes I don’t even remember what I sent. It’s mindless. And also, my question my relationships is part of my condition. AND friendships wax and wane. I know all of this yet it fucking consumes me. And I keep telling myself “you know this!” and reminding myself “you’ve thought this before and it turned out fine!” it starts to make you feel like a lost cause.
So frequently I give others advice and it’s not always just for them. Sometimes if I relate to it, it helps me remember that this storm will pass. But, it seems I’m fighting with myself every step of the way. And starting to feel better is a fucking relief but as I said before, it’s terrifying. Yes, you have more energy and that’s good but, also you have more energy and sometimes that energy is channeled into unhealthy thoughts and actions. You gain more energy but, your mood isn’t stable yet and your distress tolerance is not high enough to handle it nor are your coping skills anywhere near ready.
I’ll tell you how I knew I was getting to this lifting point.
If you’ve ready this silly online diary for awhile you know that my OCD is focused primarily on my social relationships. I have cognitive distortions, I’m chronically insecure it’s a whole fucking thing. To try to combat this in times when I’m down (prepare yourself to make fun of me I don’t care) my therapist recommended I save/screenshot nice messages my friends send to me or people say about me and I have a folder on my google photos. I know that this depression is lifting and the anxiety is creeping in when I start questioning/doubting those. For example one from last summer I got a nice text from a friend and I went back to look when I was down the other night and my brain said:
well, they may have felt that way then but, certainly not now...
I could easily be a fucking weirdo, give into my compulsion and ask my friend what’s up and if they still feel the same way OR I could power through, use my coping skills, build my distress tolerance and trust in the fact that this is a good friend of mine and I’ve done nothing to make their opinions of me change and if they did change that would be ok. And I could rationalize the first way by saying that I’m “writing this friend off” by not reaching out but, that’s just because that would make me feel better sooner. So, you see energy is not so great for me all the time.
But, this “lifting” period will not last forever. Transitions are hard but, I’m ready to experience what joy is again. I’m ready to not be afraid of the aftermath of happiness. Cheers to the lifting let’s stay safe.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
PS: I am FULLY aware this is episode 69 and that is funny to me and I just thought I would let you know I’m still an immature preteen at heart.
