“So, basically I have to reach out for help and call a friend when I’m struggling, which is a CBT behavior to get through the moment, while being okay with the fact that I might be burdening them and that it is their job to decide for themselves what they can handle, which is an ACT behavior?”
I said this in a phone session with Jazz a few nights ago. The answer is yes. I have to use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) in short term points of crisis and use Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) as a long term lifestyle change. Sounds complicated, and it is.
They have different opinions about so many things. ACT disagrees with distraction and sees it as avoidance behavior while CBT thinks distraction is a vital tool. CBT thinks of reassurance seeking behaviors as gathering evidence to combat your thoughts while ACT doesn’t want you to fight your thoughts at all and requires no evidence because there’s nothing to prove or disprove. Does your brain hurt yet?
Since my depression has started lifting my thoughts have started what my therapist likes to call “churning,” ugh I know a horrible word right? She knows I’ve begun this “churning” when I started questioning every single thing she says. The moment I start playing devils advocate for the most minute of details is when you know my mind is racing and my world may begin to be sprinkled with itty bitty panic attacks.
But, I can combat this. With a combo of my alphabet soup of therapies I can make it through my day a little less exhausted. The issue is a few nights ago I started churning about the very therapies that were supposed to help me stop churning. FML am I right?
No, I’m just playing, but it’s important for me to document the intricacies of my disorder. Putting words down helps me create a vocabulary for an illness that so often leaves me speechless...and usually in tears.
I hope that someday creating a sort of dictionary can help others also put words to their disorder and also help my friends and family understand a little bit better too.
Why do I constantly ask for validation about our friendship or if you’re angry with me?
This is Reassurance Seeking Behavior. Because I have cognitive distortions that hinder me from having faith in things that I haven’t seen evidence of in a while like, a friendship of someone I don’t talk to often or if I do see someone frequently, they haven’t been themselves lately. (Either circumstance could have a logical explanation however you can’t logic this shit)
Why do I absolutely HATE IT when someone tells me I’m going to ace my test?
This is Magical Thinking. I believe that somehow you displaying this support of me is going to make me know fail that exam...it’s like a superstition and they can at times run my life.
Why do I constantly feel I have to uphold an image of being a good person?
This is the Imposter Syndrome. It’s because I don’t think I am a good person at all and feel that I’m just putting on a great facade and the moment I let my guard down people will see me for the person I really am which is not that great IMO.
Just a few reminders of what I’m fighting against. NOT FOR PITY DEAR LORD DONT PITY ME! Just because there’s a good chance you or someone you know has these behaviors and I think it’s important to be patient with the person experiencing them especially if it’s you. They are frustrating to be on either side of, trust me! But, if we all begin to live in the uncertainty and become comfortable with not knowing if someone is actually angry with us or just trusting in a friendship you don’t tend to everyday (which are ACT beliefs) we can start to be more and more mindful and live in the moment (which is a CBT belief). I guess they aren’t as at odd after all.
So, I could end it there but I guess I should really address what the first quote was talking about. Basically, I have been feeling guilt and shame from having to call a friend or family member for support. It’s not logical, I am aware but, it’s a tendency of my thoughts that I cannot get rid of. Part of CBT is doing whatever you must do to survive this time of crisis and for me that’s calling someone but, with the heavy weight of the thoughts about bothering or burdening the person on the other end of the call I haven’t been calling, just suffering (even though my mantra is don’t suffer if you don’t have too). My ACT comes in to save the day though. I must accept that I cannot control the person on the other end of the lines feelings towards me or me calling. It is their responsibility to decide whether they want to answer the call or not or, if they have an issue with me or any of my actions they have to tell me. I cannot constantly be watching out to make sure I’m not stepping on any toes ever even though that would be nice! I can only trust that my friend or family member would want me to feel safe tonight and they would want me to at least try to call. So, there’s that, not as nice as the first ending but hey, what do you expect from me?
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
