Five fucking years. My friend H passed away after her battle with brain cancer 1,826 days ago. I can’t believe it’s been that long and yet I feel like it’s been forever.
Technically, it will have been five years on the 27th in the evening time because I got the call at night but, it’s so interesting to think that 5 years ago from this exact time (3/26 at 11:32) I would have been sleeping. I knew something was going on but, the extent was kept from us until they knew for sure. I was informed to be prepared during the afternoon of the 27th right after school. And I got the call after dinner that day. But, 5 years ago exactly, I would have been completely unaware that my life was going to change forever.
I’m a different person now than I was then. Whether that’s for better or worse is subjective. But, I’d like to think that she’d like the me I am now, she didn’t tend to judge and she loved me through all my flaws.
I used to feel the need to justify my feelings. My high school experience with grief from losing a friend caused some maladaptive behaviors and warped thoughts. I felt the need to prove that I was worthy to feel as sad as I was. High school fucks you up. This culture was created because we were a bunch of teenagers faced with our own mortality. That’s why I don’t believe there’s any one person or group of people to blame. A culture is created by everyone involved and we all fed into because how the fuck were we to process this? At the time we could hardly handle the idea of who we were gonna sit with at lunch or what the guy that sits behind us in pre-calc thought of our new haircut. So, I try very hard to not pass judgement on others grieving processes anymore. I’m not perfect with it because when overlapped with my own grief it gets foggy but, I am trying.
Now when I think about H I think about what a major part of my life she was and still is. How she changed my life and I don’t care how cheesy that is. How she taught me my worth was more than what one person could possibly give me and to fight for what I love.
When I lost H I thought I would never feel whole again. I thought I would never have a “best friend” again. I thought that only one person could possibly understand and she was gone. This led to tension in my relationships with my friends and family and then a time where I was seeking new friendship that mostly ended in disaster. What I needed to understand was that I did lose something extremely special. That it was gone. And that although I can scream and cry and want for that back, I can never fill that with someone else and I don’t really want to. But, like a silence it’s easier to fill the void than sit in. I need to accept that I will never be whole again but, none of us are and I’ve learned to look at this void and thank it for reminding me of what I’ve lost and how special that person was and how damn lucky I was to know her. She was one of the first people capable of breaking through my cognitive distortions and get me to believe I mattered. If someone as special as her thought I was worth something than damn I must be pretty alright.
I’ve never left her behind. She taught me how a friend should be treated. She was wise beyond her years. I could go on and on and on and she would be the first to tell me shut up.
She was awesome and it’s hard to understand that she’s gone. It’s hard to conceptualize that this doesn’t end. Next year will be six years, then seven, and so on. The grief will come in waves. Some days it’ll be more tolerable than others. It doesn’t go away though. This hole or void is something I need to take care of. Let myself feel it. Ignoring it does nothing and can make me lose sight of the reason I feel so sad. I’m sad because H was amazing. If I have to feel sad sometimes in order to not forget that fact, I can handle it.
Tonight I’m gonna listen to some music she would have liked and dance around my room like an idiot hoping somewhere she’s watching because she would have loved to watch me make a fool out myself in the name of fun. Tomorrow I’ll watch “Crazy, Stupid, Love” the only movie I own on DVD even though I don’t have a DVD player and can’t watch it on my computer. I always find a way to watch it despite this technical difficulty. I think she would have found my dedication funny.
I miss you kid.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
