My chest is tight, nose is stuffy, I can barely catch my breath, my face is swollen, tears are streaming down my face and it’s all a good thing.
Finally, after months I’m crying. Like really full on ugly crying. And now if feels like the dam has opened and this cry might never end.
I really have been trying to put on such a brave face for this whole time. I’m not saying I’ve been successful, I fail a lot but the intention is to not give anyone else stress. If you don’t bring anyone in they won’t judge you. No new friends, no old friends. It’s leaked out to a few people but, for the most part I think I’ve held my shit pretty together and if you are sitting there thinking “I don’t know she’s been pretty dramatic” that’s okay I get it but, there’s a good chance you don’t know everything I’ve been holding back.
This cathartic cry is partly the lifting of depression, it’s partly the med change, it’s partly trauma responses, it’s all the shit that’s been piling up and finally my body is like we have enough serotonin to bring you back up after this so it might be a good time to deal with the shit that’s been bogging you down.
As much as crying is painful and it’s sad it weirdly feels good. This is a healthy expression of emotion. There’s no projecting on to others or lashing out or lashing in at myself. This is the real deal and I’m really proud of myself for letting it happen.
I’ve realized a lot of things just over the past week. I’m not as bad of a person as my brain tells me. I don’t have to be ok with being treated poorly. I don’t deserve it. I don’t have to share every moment with everyone. I don’t get nearly as upset when they don’t share them with me as I used to (thank you medication). I don’t have to be ok with others stepping over lines. I’m allowed to have boundaries. I’m allowed to have separate lives and not feel guilty. I’m allowed.
I’m not saying that these realizations will stick because chances are they won’t but, for now I’ll accept it as a win.
I cannot control if people cross boundaries. I can’t control if I get hurt. I can’t control most things in life and that’s part of why I’m crying. I live in a state of constant fear of the what if. That’s anxiety my dudes, no question, and it can make me difficult to be friends with but, that doesn’t mean I don’t deserve friendship it just means I need to find people who understand it and don’t make me feel crazy. Because I deserve to feel safe and respected and loved.
A life alone in a cabin in the woods with no social media or connection to the outside world has become ever more intriguing to me. No more school or work just me in a cabin in the woods. I would get bored, I know I’m not stupid but, the thought of just taking a break from everything is so attractive. Just some time to remember that I’m gonna be okay someday and no pressure to pretend that that day is today.
I can’t make everyone happy and it’s time to focus on making myself happy. If I’m not the old me I’m sorry it’s time for a change. I can’t keep living my life on someone else’s terms or in fear of not being able to keep up with others expectations of me. Here’s the big point:
I’m going to fail
That’s not a what if, that’s real life. If it’s inconvenient for others that really sucks but, if you have a problem it’s your job to bring it to the forefront I cannot be constantly on the lookout for ways I step on other’s toes. Hyper-vigilance and paranoia are not things I need more of.
So, it turns out if you want to have some life changing realizations...just add tears.
I’m not out of the woods (I just talked about living in a cabin in them) I’m not in a safe zone. Mental illness is real and it’s heavy and it sucks but, you can’t just sit and bed and cry all day and unfortunately it’s not cabin time yet.
I matter and I’m gonna be okay I just gotta try and make my life less complicated and not let others effect it.
So, with a stuffy nose and swollen eyes I sign off:
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
