I’m beginning to think that these dark thoughts in my head were not made for public consumption. That this entire blog was an errorbut, one that had good intention to have a place to spew all the bullshit that the world throws at us...at me. I’m not someone who thinks my words are more powerful or hold more weight than others. I don’t think my blog is special or different then any other mental health survival blog. This blog was meant for me to release and the reason I didn’t write it in a journal is that posting it online made me feel as if I was giving the universe a big “fuck you” by not being afraid of my struggles being accessible to all, although under a pseudonym.
As more and more friends and family became regular readers I didn’t change what I was doing. This may have been a mistake.
When hearing about someone you love struggling it can be hard not to try to fix it or take responsibility for it. It can be even harder to express this type of anxiety to the author of an anonymous blog. I never had the intention of making anyone feel as if they had responsibility over me. On the contrary I just wanted to be understood so I could continue living my life and not feel judged.
I’m an oversharer by nature. This blog was only an extension of that. But, there is some stuff that we should keep to ourselves it seems.
Over the past few weeks I’ve been desperately trying to keep things to myself. To fight on my own at least for a little bit, just to give my friends and family a break, and to not look like I’m constantly in crisis. And as you probably guessed it has not been pleasant and I still feel as if I am a burden.
The timing of my experiment was poor to say the least. Over the course of 3 weeks I’ve had enough deaths, goodbyes, panic attacks, and medication side effects to last me the next year. I have no self reassurance left in me.
So, what the fuck am I gonna do about?
Don’t answer that. I have to and I need more time to do it. Whether I choose to rely on others and accept that it may be annoying to them to hear me ramble or avoid all of it and learn to fight on my own, it has to be all me. As for the blog? I’m not sure yet.
For now I post this just as an explanation the rest will come in time. Whatever decision I make will be mine and that’s all I can ask for.
I’m managing, I’m holding on. My OCD wants me to crumble but, I’m staying strong. I just want everyone to be ok and that’s the truth. But, I also need myself to be in that category too.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
