You know what? I’ll say it. It’s scary to be hopeful! It’s honestly terrifying. It makes getting let down so much harder. It makes the smack down that the universe often gives us every once and a while that much more difficult to recover from. But? It’s fucking worth it.
I’m saying this as someone who is shaking while typing these words on my phone right now with tears in my eyes. This is scary shit. I spend my life being eerily prepared for the worst while also blindly trusting other people. It’s a weird combo that has led me to resent the world as a whole along with my own naive tendencies.
But, I’m finally starting to see clearer and I don’t know if it’s the pills or the therapy or what but, I’m starting to see the people around me as people and not my heroes coming to save the day. Not because they are not great. I would not be able to survive without some of the people in my life. But, now I’m seeing them in whole. As complex people with so many stories and experiences of which only some I will know. And although not knowing everything breeds an anxiety caused by the uncertainty of never knowing for sure how I can be the best friend to them, I have to accept that sometimes I’ll say the wrong thing or not recognize when something is bothering them and it sucks but it’ll be ok.
Part of this entire process was identifying that although humans live in tandem with one another as friends or partners or colleagues, we have to be individuals and cannot completely rely on each other for our own identity. I have been so discouraged with myself and who I am that I thought if I join with someone else that is incredible, I will begin to feel better about myself and truly discover who I am. But, that doesn’t work because to live in tandem and in harmony two individuals have to be comfortable in their own identity and decisions. I surrounded myself with mostly amazing people and then feel guilty about weighing them down and that’s because I was trying to fill a hole in my identity. Now I see that I can also live a life where everyone doesn’t know everything and that the uncertainty that people won’t get it if they don’t see the whole picture is one I have to live with.
Over the past month or so I’ve been digging deeper and deeper into why I am the way I am. Where the OCD comes from/connects to. Acceptance and Commitment therapy (the type I’m in now) would say that the cause doesn’t matter and that human suffering happens in everyone’s lives in many different forms and the cause changes nothing about how we deal with it. Although I wouldn’t argue with that I will say it’s still interesting to think about and whether it’s examining my childhood as the daughter of an alcoholic or the losses I’ve had in my life from drugs or the trauma that occurs from losing a friend, my quirks and intricacies begin to make some sort of sense. But, as I continue this introspective search I say my new mantra to myself because a mantra is not powerful if it is hypocritical.
The mantra is: “Just because it’s explainable, doesn’t mean it’s acceptable”
I started saying this to myself as a way to stop being so naive and trusting and to begin taking ownership of when I’m hurt because I’m allowed to feel hurt by something even if I know why it happened. If someone has a stomach bug and they puke on you, you can still react and be pissed it happened even though they can’t control it. This mantra doesn’t mean I have to be mean to someone and yell at them for puking on me, my responsive behavior is still the same approach of compassion but, my self-talk will not be to tell myself to not be upset because that doesn’t work and it makes me rate my feelings and needs as less important.
So, as I continue to dig deeper I remind myself of this. I own my actions even though I know why they are happening. I don’t want others to ever feel I’m trying to explain things away and not clarifying this has been my downfall in the past when sharing my feelings. But, sometimes talking about it and filling people in on what bothers my OCD the most and why can make my life a little bit easier.
Although I don’t expect others to change their entire lives for me, I’m reminding myself that I deserve to have courteous people around me. If I ask someone not to do something because it hurts me and they state understanding, I’m allowed to be disappointed when they don’t follow through. I’m also allowed to step away if this is a cycle that continuously occurs.
And this is not to say that people are not worthy of second chances and forgiveness because I’ve been on the receiving end of both thankfully and understand the necessity of it. But, stepping away is not always an act of malice or hatred it can be out of love. I have to be aware of my recovery and if that sounds selfish that sucks because it’s not meant to be.
I will say with much hesitation and a shaky voice that I am hopeful. The world isn’t amazing right now and it doesn’t suck either but, the scales will tip one way at some point because that’s how life goes and although the uncertainty can lead me to crippling anxiety and suicidal thoughts it can also be reassuring if you look at it just right. You may have to squint your eyes and tilt your head a little bit but, then you see it: a world that doesn’t look half bad and...I’ll be here for it.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
