SPOILER ALERT: if you have not seen the most recent Spider-Man movie “Far From Home” and have any interest in seeing it read this AFTER you watch it. If you don’t care or have already seen it please read away!
Throughout my episodes I have tried my very best to describe my experience with OCD the best way I can. I’ve tried to explain all of the elements but, my main point I want to drive home is that it is a reality distorting disorder. Similar to schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorders, an OCD brain can have trouble deciphering between what’s real and what’s not but, in OCD instead of seeing/hearing things it comes in the form of thoughts. These thoughts weave the most ornate stories making them impossible to ignore and terrifying to believe. For example, I constantly am fighting with the thoughts that my friends are only friends with me out of pity or that they are lying to me or that I’ve gone crazy and no one has told me. These stories do serve a purpose. They represent the worse case scenario and by worrying about them now I cannot be blindsided by one of these stories becoming reality because in my mind-it already is.
So, what the fuck does this have to do with Spider-Man?
Well I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it before but, if you haven’t caught on by “Captain’s” code name, I’m a fan of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. The Cap from this blog was named as such because he’s the one who truly introduced me to the Marvel movies. I didn’t like movies for most of my life because I hated that they ended and we never had closure on what happened in that world they just immersed me in for 2 hours but, with Marvel it never ends and the universe keeps expanding.
So, this episode I’m going to be going full nerd and explain why this last movie from the MCU pushed me into a few epiphany’s.
The movie follows endgame in which we saw the end of a lot of key characters. One of which was Spider-Man’s role model and father figure Tony Stark. Throughout the movie Spider-Man experiences something I know quite well: Imposter Syndrome. Having been trusted with Tony’s technology and the responsibility that comes with that, Peter Parker (aka Spider-man for the geek illiterate) is constantly feeling as if Tony made the wrong choice trusting him and that he is not the guy for the job. Peter is them faced with his version of the Conman that all people OCD have in their heads. The Conman in our minds tell us those stories I was telling you about earlier and will make you believe by whatever means necessary that if you don’t do what it says, something terrible will happen. In the movie this Conman is Mysterio and if you watch the movie you know why blah blah blah. Mysterio LITERALLY ALTERS REALITY AT WILL by creating visuals through projectors and drones that are indistinguishable to the human eye.
Spider-Man eventually defeats this conman but using his “Spidey-sense” to see the illusion for what it is (a bunch of drones with high tech projectors and lasers...duh). I am yet to find an analogy for this part though unless my “Spidey-sense” is gonna be my acceptance and commitment therapy which would be pretty dope.
BUT! Although Spider-Man defeats Mysterio and saves the world; the world gets a fragmented video from Mysterio claiming he’s not the bad guy and that Spider-Man is! Causing the world to disbelieve Spider-Man even though he was doing the right thing! Ring any bells?
I have grown up with people in my life that no one sees as they truly are but, I do. They are not good people although people treat them as such and it has caused me a lot of self-doubt although I know what these people did to me is wrong. I’m not sure if Spider-Man is feeling this but, I feel it for him.
And not to mention that if Spider-Man tried to point out what he sees he will most likely be treated as if he’s delusional or just a dick.
So let’s get this straight:
Spider-Man, who is questioning his own worthiness, is fighting a conman who can distort reality and now he doesn’t know who to trust because no one sees what he sees and people will most likely think he’s crazy if he tells them.
I think I’m Spider-Man.
OKAY I’m joking on that part but, watching the movie a second time tonight really got me thinking about this disorder I experience.
It’s an enemy that is constantly evolving and changing and leaves me feeling like I have no one to trust. It’s invisible to everyone but me and if I try to explain it to people I just feel like I’m exposing them to a dangerous reality and they won’t want to be around me if I do. I live in constant fear (more lately than ever before) that people are lying to me or that this whole life has been a lie. And yet OCD isn’t commonly thought of as a “SMI” or Serious mental illness like Bipolar, Schizophrenia, and Schizoaffective.
I’m not sitting here saying I have it worse, this isn’t the oppression Olympics but, I am saying that validating people with OCD that this is a reality distorting disorder and teaching their loved ones this will help their lives immensely. It could change that persons life if they are approached not with the content of the situation but, instead they are assisted in walking through the process. Because OCD can attach to ANYTHING and it will attach to what’s most important in that persons life. For me it’s people and relationships but, it’s not about the specific person or relationship it’s about the anxiety about being lied to or being alone etc.
I really hope this post makes sense even if you haven’t seen the movie but, if not I’ll try to make the next episode a bit less nerdy.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
