I have been struggling to write something/anything for this blog. I’ve started many different posts but, they remain unfinished in my notes app. Could be the thing I was writing about became obsolete or maybe I just became exhausted by the emotions I was trying to convey. Most likely a bit of both. Throughout this year I have seen self-growth in the way I’ve been able to work through things in my life. The amount of times I sit perseverating on something has decreased and I am able to work through some emotions way better than I have in the past. So, the lack of perseveration may be directly related to the lack of content. But, in addition, the exhaustion I feel is a new level. Sometimes I just tuck things away because I don’t want to deal with them. That’s somewhat new for me. Ignoring things gets me into messes that usually I don’t see until they are too big to clean up. But, I continue to do it.
I framed last post as a season finale making whatever I post next the beginning of season two. Thats also been a lot of pressure every time I sit down to write. What will season two mean for me? Maybe I just don’t want to believe that any of the shit that happened in the past 12 months actually happened and it’s to hard and too sad to be season two because season two was supposed to go way different.
But, the truth is that season two started months ago and things are not going to magically change and be better just because I created a symbolic page turn.
And with my mental illness on the cusp of becoming an acute problem again I’ve decided to come back to the only way I can feel heard...writing on a blog that my friends and family have access to but I’ll never know if they actually read it because they are most likely too uncomfortable to talk to me about what I’ve written about.
How cute and quirky.
I started my first job as a nurse in the beginning of the pandemic. I often tell the story of how I was literally sitting in new employee orientation when I started getting text messages from about how everything was shutting down. Everyone was on edge. I had a horrible orientation experience. My honesty about my mental health and my insecurities were used against me. I became very comfortable with the idea that I was a bumbling incompetent idiot that was going to get fired any moment thanks to some people I worked with who fueled my imposter syndrome. But, don’t worry. I worked hard and stayed under the radar as much as I could and soon their focus went to someone else. Those thoughts about myself still linger though and it really shows what can happen when nurses try to eat their young. It just didn’t have to go that way and I know that I will not continue the chain of people that were trained like that. There’s a confidence and resilience that comes in wanting to do better for others than other did for you. That’s where I’m at these days. Kill em with kindness type beat.
As everyone knows COVID cases are rising again. And with our pediatric census dropping around the holidays, myself and my coworker were sent to work on a COVID critical care unit in an assistive roll on Christmas Eve. I was scared but it was something I wanted to do. I know what it’s like when your understaffed and drowning and if I can help any nurse feel less of that I want to do it. The unit I floated to was a great group of nurses and honestly they are the reason why I volunteered to come a second day. I was able to feel helpful and not feel in the way which was a fear of mine. I asked questions and learned a lot which obviously wasn’t the ultimate goal of floating but a great bonus. I picked up an extra shift on that unit this week to continue to help out. But, I will say I don’t know how those nurses do it everyday. Physically I feel like I was hit by a freight train, emotionally seeing all the people dying from a disease that’s spread was preventable is devastating. Those nurses inspire me.
I had a lot of weird happenstances occur when I was on the COVID floor. Only one I can really talk about though but it is the most bizarre.
I had this moment I was in a patients room FaceTiming her family and I looked at her fitted sheet and there was a piece of fabric tape with “Hannah” written on it in kids block lettering. It must have gone through the wash from one of our pediatrics floors. If you’ve been reading the blog you know about my friend “H” who passed away when we were in our teen years. She has been a huge part of me getting through this year also. So, seeing that...I’m not always a spiritual person but it felt like a comforting message from a friend.
I work in pediatric hematology and oncology. I don’t know if I’ve said that before in the blog but, whatever that’s what I do. Caring for kids with cancer does help soothe some of my still open wounds from losing “H” while opening new ones that are unfortunately part of the job. I really love what I do and I have found people that get it and truly are phenomenal additions to my life. They helped me see through the haze of negativity during orientation and kept me a float through the storm. I was worn and weathered after that but they’ve polished me up and pushed me to keep reaching my potential. I’m so lucky to have found that.
Truly the luckiest I’ve felt though is having watched my niece grow up over this past year. Family dynamics are difficult especially during times of intense stress. But, some how that sweet girl has kept our heads above water. Though sometimes because of my job it wasn’t safe to see my family. I was lucky enough that my sister would FaceTime me and just show her playing. Her excitement when she would see my face on the screen fueled me through this year no doubt.
And this year has brought me a nephew. One I don’t anticipate being able to meet for awhile but hopefully soon. We’ve been acquainted by FaceTime and he’s truly beautiful. A new character to this season and one I’m absolutely obsessed with.
I truly believe that this new identity of Aunt has helped sculpt your strong female lead. I think it’s made me soft. I will drop anything to watch my niece play with blocks over FaceTime. Literally anything. My family has been through a difficult time this year. We came together though even if it was messy at times. I am very proud of that.
I don’t want you to worry, Season two was still full of some of your favorite characters from season one. The pandemic left Cap homebound and starting his masters online. It’s been nice for him to be here. When the COVID numbers in our city cooled down myself Cap and Ryan had movie nights at my place and watched election results and debates. Since numbers have spiked I haven’t seen them but, we have been playing some late night games of Among Us with some of our other fan favorites.
Courtney and I drifted a bit right after starting our jobs but over the past month or so our long phone calls have come back in to the mix.
My high school friends also all still stay in contact. All working their asses off trying to navigate our early twenties in quarantine.
Another relationship that’s been helping me a ton is one with my cousin we can call her Kim. She’s one year older than me and lives on the opposite coast so the 3 hour time difference has been super helpful when I’m freaking out and no one is awake because she usually is. We know all the drama from each others work lives it’s been a lot of great laughs too.
I guess one of my bigger updates is that I left group...I’m shocked too. After we moved to zoom it was becoming harder and harder to feel dedicated to the group. No one else would talk so I would end up just filling the space because I might as well just talk about myself if no one has anything to say. So, I left. It was emotional but, necessary and I don’t regret it. I’ve been able to gain another post group friend which is always nice. I mean my group mates know more about me then some of my closest friends.
I was worried about rambling when writing this and reading it back that’s exactly what it is. I’m ok with that though because we have a whole season to dive deeper and do some flashbacks when needed. As we roll into 2021 I make no promises that things will magically change because that’s not how life works. Things don’t miraculously get better when you buy a new calendar.
Here goes nothing though. Season two.
Sincerely,
Your Strong Female Lead
