episode fifty-four // among the autumn leaves

Just a note before we go forward, when ever you see italics it’s what my OCD is telling me. It’s not fact it’s just what my OCD is trying to do to throw me off course and make me question everything. I’m just trying to explain better what’s going on in my brain. Hope it helps you decipher.

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I’m wearing real socks with my slip on vans today. Not the no shows, I’m wearing ankle socks. You’re not supposed to do that. It’s weird to do that. And they are black socks with a bright colored picture of Spider-Man on them in neon pink and blue. It’s weird for a 21 year old to own them.

I feel weird if you haven’t caught on. I’m confused and just moving around the world like a zombie. And why? Because a doctor sent me to the emergency room because she thinks I’m crazy. Is this an isolated opinion? Is she the only one who feels this way or is it common knowledge and she’s the only one tough enough to say it? Is she the hero or the villain? Where do I stand in all this? What part do I play?

A huge piece of my reality has been yanked out like a foundational piece at the bottom of a Jenga game. The rest of it is teetering on what’s left. I’m scared. If this is all it takes to throw me off will I ever be able to live a normal life? I wonder sometimes. I’ve overcome so much but maybe there’s just somethings I can’t conquer.

Maybe the reason I never have had a romantic relationship is because that’s just not possible for me. That’s too much, be happy with what you have. Too many barriers for me to do that. You wouldn’t want to put someone through this anyway.

I will always feel like I’m bothering my friends. My OCD is like you know they are only friends with you because they feel bad for you? No one could possibly love you. They speak empty words and make promises they don’t intend on keeping. No one really likes you. You’re entertaining that’s why they keep you around. You have a secret blog that you give to your friends but, why? Because you think your so special and you crave attention...that’s what this “misdiagnosis” from Partial said...was it wrong maybe it’s true and I’m wrong. Who is lying?

Damn I’ve come way too far to be doing this. This doctor has set me back. You can try to say “She can’t if you don’t let her” well if only it was that easy.

Let me take a breather.

The truth is this is what goes on in my brain. I today truly believe I am losing my mind. It’s terrifying and frankly unattractive. This is mental illness. I have it rough but there are people that have it worse. But, tonight I’m struggling. It’s ok to struggle, I know that, but is it ok to bring others into it? If I do it will change their opinion of me. I will be put in a category of someone that is ill. Someone they must take care of. I fit into the charity case friendship. The one everyone’s friends with just because if they aren’t I’ll have no one. And no one will ever see me as more than a friend especially if they see this side of me. They will think “That bitch is crazy” and you’re not wrong. I’m torturing myself. I’m so dizzy from the medication. I probably have a bunch to offer the world but, I don’t know if I can get over this barrier to do that. It’s sad. I’m kinda sad. Mostly scared.

Today I was looking at the tree in my apartment complex. Just a few days ago it was covered in these magnificent yellow leaves, and now they had all fallen. I hate that tree now. It’s sad to know that those magnificent colored leaves we love in fall time are actually a sign that they are dying. Is that what I’m like? I give so much and people like it until I fall and they realize the whole time I was struggling. I mean next year they will grow back. I can be better again. That’s what these colorful leaves represent. I will grow back again.

I wish people understood mental illness better. Everyone tries but it’s hard to know what to say. Sometimes I just want to have a phone call with someone and not talk. Just be. Because I have nothing to say that won’t sound crazy. I’m sorry if you are offended by any of this. None of this is truth it’s what my mind wants to tell me. My mind is trying to push what’s left of my Reality Jenga over. It could only take breathing on it for it to all fall down. What’s there to say? I want everyone to know I’m safe. I will grow back but for now I’ve fallen and I’m laying among the autumn leaves. It’s hard to accept that I’m not normal and that I will never live a normal life. But, it’s something I must accept. I think that’s why I have this blog and I want to make a tv show. Because there are no characters like me on tv. No one that struggles specifically like me. I want to tell people the story on what it’s like. I want it to be funny because that’s how it is at times but I want it to be genuine. I want people to understand why I act like this. Why it is that I have such a low self esteem and yet I get overly involved in everything. I want people to understand that no matter what I feel like I have to constantly be proving myself. I can never rest. I have to constantly maintain my friendships or else they will leave me. I see very few good outcomes in situations that’s why I’m so cautious. I’m constantly having to make accommodations for my mental illness. It’s a handicap that prevents me from having a normal life. I sometimes have to work twice as hard. I’m very lucky I have the resources to adapt though. I’m not someone you should feel sorry for. My hope is someday I’m a person you will feel proud of. I’ve put my support team through hell. They work so hard. From Captain and Doug to my high school friends Olive, Daisy, June, Dustin, Dakota, Amanda, Cleo, Aria, Max and Amelia to my nursing friends Jordan, Courtney, Layla, Vanessa, and Mia; and of course my family and my professional health team Jazz, my psychiatrist, and Aurora my group therapist. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be close to me. I’m not looking for “oh it’s not work to be friends with you” that’s not true but I’m just wanting to say thank you for putting up with me. Even if you roll your eyes when I call but you still answer. All I want to do is hug my friends and never let go. Seeing them makes me feel less crazy. They are the closest thing I get to sanity. And they are the closest thing I can get to having a family of my own. What I mean by that is, some will get married and have kids, I will third wheel and have nieces and nephews. I think this because I’m scared to be disappointed and if I do end up losing my mind, I don’t want anyone to feel like I missed out on anything. I didn’t miss out, I have the best people around me. I am so lucky.

I’ve always been afraid of losing touch with reality and this weekend I got a taste of what that could be like. It has sent me down a rabbit hole that has me comparing myself to falling autumn leaves. I’m still scared. I’m lowering my expectations for the future. I want to give up on my chances for a normal life because it will be easier but, something won’t let me. I need to keep fighting for at least my version of normal. To those worried, I’m okay. I’m safe I’m just confused. I’ve been through something like this before and I will grow back like those falling leaves just please try not to hate the naked winter trees, they are struggling right now and need your support.

I just looked up the side effects for gabapentin the Medication they gave me for nerve pain. The most common ones are Drowsiness, Confusion, Depression, and Double Vision aka the feeling I’m having right now...also a UTI and nose inflammation but we are all good there. So, at least this explains some of my feelings.

My new code for feeling down but safe is I’m among the autumn leaves. It’s a reminder that I’m down but hopeful. Maybe I’ll write a poem about it, go total hipster. The possibilities are endless.

So just to wrap this nonsense post up, please don’t worry I’m just among the autumn leaves.

Sincerely,

Your Strong Female Lead

episode forty-nine // challenged

​This post is a bit different. It’s more of a thought piece then a personal one but, had to switch it up. My “Mania”  or “hyperfocus” has subsided by the way. Will talk more about that another time. For now, enjoy:

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A little over a week ago I was hanging out with some friends from nursing school studying. We got on the topic of Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin and their prenup situation. Both of these people I was talking to have beliefs that land them in the Conservative party. Neither have tried to push their beliefs on me in anyway, I think both sides know this will be ineffective and not worth the others time so we dance around the issue, with small comments leaking out from time to time. This prenup conversation was one of those times. After explaining the concept of what a prenup was to Courtney, Jordan and I joked about how she should get a prenup with her boyfriend just in case and then how Jordan and his wife didn’t have one and that she was “stuck with him.” I ended up saying to avoid any of that financial stress, when I get married I would most definitely be getting a prenup at which point Jordan said “Why? You will get everything. You are a woman.” Courtney agreed and I fell into a perplexed state that I haven’t been able to shake since.

I consider myself a feminist. But, like republicans tend to in the trump era I will say I’m not like one of those feminists. I say this as a joke but, also because I know that the feminist movement can give people a bad taste in their mouth, especially if you tend to only get your context about us from twitter. There are people that don’t speak for all. I don’t like Lena Dunham and I don’t like the feminists that have turned this movement into an excuse to stifle others right to free speech. I see the faults in my own movement, it is not perfect, but I think that’s why I’m more willing to tolerate conversations like the one I could have had with Jordan if I had challenged him on his comment. But, I didn’t. I didn’t feel like I really had enough reason to because, he was right. In divorce proceedings, women are often favored. It’s hard to find concrete data on this but, if we look at custody battles, women are more likely to be the custodial parent. I was a bit stumped and the thinking about it made me uncomfortable.

I tucked this idea away, saving it for another day. I am part of the problem at times. Watching shows and reading articles that echo my views back to me. It makes me feel good, less work. Until tonight.

I watched a documentary called “The Red Pill” it was about Men’s Rights Activist groups. It explained their views and their validity, the response of the public to them, and how the documentarian felt about the whole thing.

I need to be honest, after about 20 minutes in I almost turned it off. It was hard to watch my beliefs get challenged. I felt as if the documentarian was being conned by these “MRA’s” the easy acronym for the members of the men’s rights movement. But, I didn’t turn it off. Instead I argued with my television and took notes. I learned a lot and I’m going to share some of it with you.

First, let’s just talking about this movement in general. I don’t believe they are women hating people. They aren’t “Incels” aka Involuntary celibates, and they truly believe what they are fighting for. We are going to dive into a few specific issues.

One of the Men’s Rights Movements major points is the death rate among men. This one activist, Harry Crouch, has this sign in his office that shows these mortality rates. At the top of the sign it reads “PATRIARCHY’S #1 PRIVILEGE” then lists these statistics:

  • Combat Deaths: 99.9% Male
  • Work Deaths: 94% Male
  • Homicides: 76% Male
  • Suicides: 75% Male

Men live shorter lives than women and MRA’s say that this is due to the stress that men are under to provide for women and to be functional in society. They argue that men are more likely to die because of an occupational injury. This is supported by the Bureau of Labor Statistics but, I have a theory. One MRA in the documentary said something to the affect of “you don’t see Women’s Rights groups fighting for female representation in jobs like coal mining” basically accusing women of not doing the “hard” and “dangerous” jobs and I guess statistically this is true but why? Well a few things. In jobs that have high occupational mortality rates such as Coal mining, Logging, and Roofing, these are very old school professions and women didn’t really get brought into the workforce until the early to mid 1900s. Also jobs like coal mining are dying or being done by machines. Women just started gaining more equality in the workplace it might be more worthwhile to fight for gender equality in fields that will be around for a long time. And no MRA can deny that walking into the “boys club” that some of these professions have become, could come with a lot of scoffing and eye rolling from coworkers. So, why would women want to work these jobs and would they even be accepted?

Similar concept for the military. An argument from the MRA is that a majority of soldiers that die are male and that’s true but, it could be true just based on the fact that their are way more men in the military than women. Women were not even legally recognized as part of military service until 1948 . The data is valid but, the drastic difference in deaths is partially attributed to the drastic difference of the genders in the military.

There was a clip in the documentary I want to mention too. It was from one of the Democratic debates of the 2016 election and Hillary Clinton was asked if women should be required to sign up for the military draft when they turn 18. She dodged the question...shocker. MRA’s used this as evidence of the disregard for Male lives. In reality it’s not that deep. The draft in my opinion should be abolished anyway why add women to the draft if it’s useless at this point. If the time comes we will figure it out but, the draft is old school. It’s like the chalkboard you still have in classrooms, it’s there just in case you need it but your not gonna revamp it or give it a new coating because that’s a waste of time.

On the same track of men’s lives, men are more likely to be victims of homicide and its higher in the US 77.8% of homicide victims are male. But, men are also more likely to commit homicide so, it isn’t like men are predominantly being killed by women and we just aren’t talking about it on the contrary women are more likely to be killed by men. This doesn’t make it less of a problem, it just debunks the concept that we have the wool pulled over our eyes and women are the real oppressors. And also an interesting part of all of this is that not one of the MRA’s being interviewed were African American even though African American Males make up a large part of the homicide victims the MRA’s were citing... just saying.

As for the suicide statistic, I have no real explanation. And in the US the percentage is actually higher than the sign...it’s 79%. MRA’s say it’s due to societal pressures but I’m not sure about that.

Ok now that we have those numbers communicated and out of the way, I’m here to tell you that feminists and MRA’s agree on quite a few things...I know wild.

They both hate gender roles. Feminists fight the idea that they cannot be the bread winner and that their main job is to stay home, take care of the children, and be confined to the kitchen. MRA’s fight the idea that they must be the breadwinners and receive no parental rights. An easy fix...communication. Both groups basically want the same thing, to share the burdens and joys of life. Bending gender roles will do that but, both sides lowkey need to get their heads out of their asses and realize that the problem isn’t either of the groups. The problem is the people that don’t see that there is a problem. If instead of Men vs Women or Republican vs Democrat, we split people up into Traditional vs Progressive, MRA’s and Feminists (with some toning down of the hateful rhetoric) would fall on the same side. And yet they fight.

One MRA argues that men and women are equal at this point...that it all evens out. He explains that yeah women make less money but, men live shorter lives. And yeah ok women may be discriminated against in the job hiring process but, men are more likely to lose custody battles. I don’t know how he’s made these comparisons like they it’s apples to apples because they are just random. First of all, instead of just saying life sucks for all of us why not try to fix these problems. I mean I don’t know how to extend men’s lives but, pay gap? There’s solutions for that. And custody battles in family court, how about some reform? That’s something we can all get behind.

We will come back to the custody issue but, let’s revisit work discrimination. There is no question, expectations for men and women in the workplace are often different but, I don’t understand the concept of this “burden” men have to provide. I know so many examples of men performing poorly at work and then a women does the same thing and gets fired. Even just by general demeanor. I have a friend who just got fired from her job for basically having an attitude problem. But, interesting the only thing unique to her was the “problem” part of it. It seemed that all the staff had attitudes with management and was at times sassy but when my friend called out her manager for something that was unfair, it was a problem. Now I’m not saying that they fired her because she was a woman, I’m just saying it didn’t help. A perfect representation of the sexism she experienced there happened in a single comment that was said during her firing process. “Maybe if you were sweeter more people would like you,” when she told me he said this to her I cringed so hard my face almost got stuck like that. How blatant must we be? It’s basically the “you should smile more” comment tailored to disguise the hints of condescension. Ok men sure there are societal expectations on you to be strong and protective but, not by feminists or liberals. For example, just about a week ago, Piers Morgan tweeted a picture of Daniel Craig holding his baby in baby carrier close to his chest with the comment “Oh 007.. not you as well?!!! #papoose #emasculatedBond” insinuating that this act of fatherhood was somehow non masculine. The internet roared back at him, condemning his ignorance and send support to Daniel Craig and his fatherhood. Destroying masculine norms, both groups are for that. The problem is not women tearing down men, it’s men tearing down men. Pushing men not to show emotion that’s not feminists.

But, again there are things that feminists need to recognize. Like the fact that yes 1 in 3 women experience domestic violence but 1 in 4 men do too. And there is very little support for men who are victims of domestic violence. Funding goes primarily to women. Shelters are primarily for women and all resources goto women. But, domestic violence awareness would get much more support if we acknowledge the other very large group of people that experience violence from their partner. If we join forces to fight domestic violence as a whole and change the stereotype of what a victim looks like, I bet you there can be real change made. It doesn’t minimize what women who are victims go through by any means it just amplified the voices fighting back. But hey, I’m just a girl writing on an anonymous blog that gets like 5 hits and they are all my friends so what do I know?

When it comes to parental rights, fathers do tend to get the short end of the stick but, that’s not women’s fault...it’s biology. Women have more choices and more power because it’s their body, and they never question whether they are the mother, they don’t have to. And sure I’ll address the MRA’s issue of Paternity fraud. MRA’s accept that at times it’s not intentional fraud you just didn’t know who the father was etc. but, It’s happened, men have been intentionally tricked into parenthood. I don’t know the numbers, I doubt there is data but it is something that occurs and there have been movies and books written about these scandalous acts. But, reproductive abuse happens the other way too. Men trick women also. Compromising condoms, fucking with their birth control. It can go both ways. And I also know guys who emotionally manipulate girls using their maternal instinct. Verbal cues that it would be okay if she were pregnant or that having a baby would be nice just to maybe get in her pants that night, I’ve seen it happen. No one is perfect but, I understand men struggle with parental control. Courts do rule in favor of the women in custody cases most of the time. But, that’s also part of the patriarchy which, I’ll remind you, feminists are also against. The reason why court cases rule in favor of mothers is because mothers are supposed to be the caregiver, they are supposed to be loving and nurturing and the children belong with them because that’s who cooks and cleans. Although, in theory it is a perk for women in the patriarchy, it’s still not right or fair and it needs to be changed.

This brings us back to the concept of unfair divorce proceedings. Jordan is right to believe that women do come out on top in divorces a majority of the time and I know he believes it’s wrong. Which it is, it should be case by case who gets what but, to be fair women make less so they probably would get more anyway but I digress. But, what he doesn’t understand is that that is a feminist view. Yeah ok in divorce proceedings the patriarchy works in the females favor but, is it worth the pay gap or the job discrimination or the prejudgment every time a young woman like me has something to say, no. And for men the in the patriarchy do the positives outweigh the negatives? I can’t answer that for them. The only way we change this wild back and forth is start talking to each other. The men’s rights movement has many radicalists that speak louder than the rest but, at the core there are issues that face men but, the issues that face women do not minimize these. They can both exist at the same time no need to fight over whose is worse because I can’t experience what you are so who am I to say.

At the end of the documentary, the documentarian stated that she no longer calls herself a feminist. My heart sank. She had made the movie and still did not get it. Part of being a human is having belief systems. I have quite a few friends that are religious and over the years their relationship with that religion has evolved, that’s how my relationship with feminism is and how I believe any belief system should be. If you stay stagnant and rigid in your beliefs never questioning, never asking why? You will never grow and nothing will ever change. Instead of seeing the faults in feminism and accepting them she just wrote it off. I was disappointed but, at the end it was her decision and it made for a good film.

I’m still a feminist. I believe in equality of the genders. It’s sad but as feminist women in discussion we are fighting an uphill battle. I’ve realized this many times. The minute my voice raises even in the slightest, I’m crazy. The minute I have one drink and mix up a word, I’m belligerent. The minute I get heated about what I’m talking about, I’m too emotional. Yet in my male counterparts a loud voice equals enthusiasm, a bit drunk equals fun, and heated equals passion. An uphill battle. Wild how this world works.

It’s good to feel challenged, it’s good to watch things and read things you don’t agree with. It’s okay to not know where you land on something and it’s ok to be at odds with your own beliefs every once in a while. In fact I think it’s healthy.

Sincerely,

Your Strong Female Lead

episode thirty-nine // symptomatic

WARNING: the following post contains content about suicide. It may not be suitable for someone struggling with this topic. Reader discretion is advised.

You are never alone don’t forget that. There are resources:

The NAMI HelpLine: 800-950-6264

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Crisis Text Line: can be reached by texting HOME to 741-741

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As soon as I walked in and saw the sign I realized this might have been a mistake. The title of this program in big bold letters on the wall. I thought maybe I was in the wrong place so I asked someone where adult Partial was, they restated the name I had read on the wall. I got goosebumps. I send patients here...we discharge patients to the very program I’m about to be admitted to. I feel kinda faint and my stomach is in knots. I don’t know what I’m more scared of my coworkers finding out I’m here or a patient having a preconceived notion of me before I even open my mouth. And not to mention how hard it would be for them to share with me as a peer after I was a part of their care team. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I talked to the social worker doing the consultation and she explained that if I’m in a group with a former patient I can request to switch but she hasn’t admitted anyone from my employer in a while. I’m freaking out. There’s a security guy walking around what the fuck is he for? I’m freaking out. I guess we will find out on Monday.

The social worker doing my admission had to ask me a long list of personal questions. Then we got to my history and the way that my illness is presenting. OCD can present in different ways. There’s the stereotypical “neat freak” with obsessions and compulsions like “if I don’t flick the lights on and off three times my cat will die” or “if I step on a sidewalk crack my car is going to breakdown” and then there’s thought OCD.

Thought OCD is a more general label and to be honest I don’t know if it’s s clinical term at all. DISCLAIMER: OCD presents differently in everyone so this is not an official guide or anything this is just what I experience. Now that we have that out of the way let’s breakdown my symptoms.

Cognitive Distortions

Googles Definition: Ways that our mind convinces us of something that isn't really true

My Definition: A literal mindfuck

So, Cognitive Distortions can present in so many different ways but here are the common ones with examples

Filtering is when you take the negative details and magnify them while ignoring the positive aspects of the situation completely. An example is last night I went to a musical that an old friend of mine who I hadn’t seen in like a year was starring in. I ran into her mom and we chatted about how she was doing and I like awkwardly offered if she ever needed headshots to let me know and she was like “oh she gets those done at school” and I responded “oh of course she does. Duh I am so stupid” blah blah blah. So, that interaction seems pretty rough but that’s because I have filtered out that her mom said she “will be so excited to see me” and that she “absolutely adores” me. But, throughout the show all I could think about was why the fuck I offered my photo services in that moment. It’s invalidating and makes communication ten times harder.

Polarized Thinking, or black and white thinking, forces you into a mindset of “if we’re not perfect we have failed.” That’s why it’s hard for me to think I’m a good person because I feel like I fuck up too much. I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what box someone/something fits in “good or bad” or “healthy or unhealthy” and it really can be distressing.

Overgeneralization is a distortion that allows us to come to a general conclusion based on a single interaction or incident. This speaks to the concept that people with OCD make excessive connections between things. So, I get one bad grade on a test then I step in dog shit. The world is out to get me and here’s the beginning of the cycle of defeat.

Catastrophizing (it’s a real word look it up) is when you magnify the problem and again make connections too easily. For example back to the test grade:

  • I get the bad test grade
  • now I’m going to fail the class
  • if I fail the class I’m never going to graduate
  • if I never graduate I’ll never get a good job
  • if I never get a job I’ll never be able to support myself
  • If I’m never able to support myself I’ll never find someone to love me
  • If I never find someone to love me I’ll never get married
  • If I never get married I’m going to end up alone

So, I got a D on a test and all of sudden I’m dying alone...quite the jump don’t you think?

Arbitrary Interference also known as jumping to conclusions. An example: Olive didn’t text an invite to the group chat until someone asked in the group chat —-> she must not have wanted me to know about it and was going to text everyone separately. She must hate me. This is an actually thought I had MONDAY NIGHT. Thankfully I was strong enough to ask her if she wanted me there and she said yes so, crisis avoided but sometimes I’ll be stuck on assumptions for years before clearing it up. And you know what they say about assuming...

Personalization is my major distortion. This is the one that causes me to believe I’m causing people cancer. That I’m causing some sort of unhealthy external event in someone else. It’s my fault I’m the common denominator, I’m the cause. On the flip side too it also makes me believe that every action others make is deliberate. Someone shifts in their seat while looking at their phone ——> they must be texting about me. It makes me look noisy or clingy or both. Not great for relationships.

Cycling

Not a clinical term but this basically describes the “mind racing” I experience in my head all of the time. All negative comments about myself “you should die” “you’re ugly” “you’re the worst” play again and again and then when something in life happens that validates one of those it’s like a tree diagram and opens up 50 new insults for myself. It’s negative self-talk in a tornado. Orbiting in and out of my consciousness. And when I’m having a panic attack they get too fast and loud to keep in so they become verbal. I look like I’m talking to myself saying the same thing over and over again.

Rumination

Googles definition: Compulsively focusing on one's own negative thoughts

My Definition: Brain quick sand

Often rumination is coupled with a cognitive distortion. So like I ruminate or obsess over my personalization that I cause others cancer or I ruminate over offering headshots when I should have just been happy to talk to my friends mom earlier. Can’t get past it, it sucks ya in.

Hoarding

Google Definition: A persistent difficulty discarding or parting with possessions because of a perceived need to save them

My Definition: What if I need that? I don’t want to run out!

My hoarding hasn’t gotten me buried alive but, when I like things I like them in excess. You never know when targets just going to stop having their jeans. Deals/Limited Edition also get me. 5 bottles of soap for twenty bucks saves me three dollars? Consider it done. Why do you need 5 bottles of soap? I don’t want to run out! And this T-shirt you will most likely never wear is limited edition. Well what if I decide I would wear it and it’s gone! Better get it now! I’m very impulsive while shopping. I have a shirt from Old Navy in like 6 different colors because I liked it that much. I don’t need it in 6 colors I just wanted it.

Hyper-vigilance

Google Definition: An enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviors whose purpose is to detect activity

My Definition: I’m low key psychic because of it

When I’m performing any task I’m calculating all the possible ways it can go wrong and how to fix it. It’s what will make me a good nurse some day but also an annoying person. It may seem like I’m a know-it-all but it’s that I’ve played out every timeline in my head. I don’t like any surprises.

Guilt

Google Definition: Feeling responsible or regretful for a perceived offense, real or imaginary

My Definition: The real reason why I do nice things for people

I am riddled with guilt. Survivors guilt from losing my friend to brain cancer, guilt for being a part of a broken health system, guilt for being able to go to college and drive a car when so many can’t, guilt for being an American knowing how much damage we caused the Native American population and other populations of people throughout the world. Coupled with general anxiety that leaves me constantly worried and chronic empathy that makes me feel others pain very intensely I am a mess. Guilt drives a lot of my thoughts and feelings.

Intrusive Thoughts

Google Definition: An unwelcome involuntary thought, image, or unpleasant idea that may become an obsession, is upsetting or distressing, and can feel difficult to manage or eliminate

My Definition: Makes my life a living hell

Intrusive thoughts have made me feel as if I was in a nightmare since I can remember. Basically I have this thought right, for me it’s quite visual, and I see a vision of myself doing something whether it be as minute as throwing my phone out of the school bus window or kissing my social studies tutor. These visuals shock me and then I judge them. What do they mean? Why am I having this thought? I’m crazy! I must be crazy! Why would I do that? Am I looking for attention? Etc. These thoughts cloud my brain when I don’t keep them in check. When I am on my game I can do some real CBT magic and let the thoughts come and go without paying too much attention to them or judging them. Because here’s the thing they NEVER go away but as long as you don’t let them suck you into their quick sand you will be ok. And they aren’t all bad. Like I said before, coupled with the hypervigilance, I can see all of the ways something can happen. The problem is that when my mood goes down and depression snakes it’s way in the intrusive thoughts get darker and darker. My suicidal ideation also comes in visions. I see all of the horrible things that I could do to myself so vividly. It’s traumatic and it puts me into panic modes like no other. The other night when I was at our cabin and had that horrible panic attack, this is what was happening. Everywhere I looked I saw my lifeless body self-injured with the feeling in my gut like I’d already done it. I scared the shit out of myself. Partial is hopefully going to help me get my skills stronger so I can better let those thoughts flow in and out without paying no mind.

Ritualistic Behavior

Google Definition: Involves the performance of daily activities in the same manner each time

My Definition: In order or not at all thanks

Everyone has a routine that they due on a daily basis even if it isn’t conscious. We get up and do things in a certain order, we go to class and sit in the same seat we did all year, or we have to do our shower routine in the same order each time because if we don’t it won’t be efficient and something bad might happen. We all do that right? Obviously I’m kidding that was my ritual for a while but then after some exposure therapy, doing my shower order different every day, I have broken this ritual and it’s hold over me. But, I’m sure there are other things I haven’t noticed yet regarding rituals.

Checking

I can’t find a literal definition for this but, basically it’s the feeling you didn’t unplug your hair straightener and you check three times or you didn’t turn the oven off or, for me, did you put the deadbolt on the door? Checking is the compulsion that comes with the worry and self-doubt OCD brings. Your reality is distorted due to all of the above and therefore your memory is not to be trusted.

This is my OCD. Not everyone has these symptoms, some have ones that I don’t experience. But, when I was describing these to the admitting social worker, she sounded exhausted just typing it. See I deal with this every waking minute so, sometimes I don’t give credit to the fact that I haven’t lost my shit yet. Yes, there are people that have it worse than me and yes I am so lucky I have access to treatment like but, that doesn’t minimize what I’m going through. I’m not saying I’m special or stronger than others because we ALL have our shit but, maybe we ALL should learn how to be kinder to ourselves. I say this a lot and I never take my own advice but, not for lack of trying. The distortions and intrusions are just louder than positive affirmations in my head. But, I am trying and as my girl Demi Lovato says “there’s no finish line, you just keep going.” Because recovery is not linear but, it is continuous!

Sincerely,

Your Strong Female Lead

episode thirty-six // self-care

​WARNING: the following post contains content about suicide. It may not be suitable for someone struggling with this topic. Reader discretion is advised.

You are never alone don’t forget that. There are resources:

The NAMI HelpLine: 800-950-6264

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Crisis Text Line: can be reached by texting HOME to 741-741

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I had a different introduction to this post. It was a long winded essay about suicide prevention and the awkward things people say to depressed people. It was unnecessary and angry so, I decided not to post it. Instead I have this poem that captures the same concept but, better. There’s something about me putting my words into rhythm that slows my mind down enough to digest them and the emotions they convey. This poem is dark and angry but, it’s how I feel sometimes. It is titled “Self-Care” because when you say you are depressed or anxious others will say you need to take care of yourself and not worry about others. Practice Self-Care. I will let the poem say the rest.


Self-Care

I keep hearing I need to put myself first

But, what you don’t get is that would be worse

If I finally let that happen I’d no longer be here

I’d be free from this hell, I’d be free from this fear

What’s so misunderstood is this privilege to be alive

But what the fuck happened to my right to die

We can alter my brain chemicals as much as we want

But, it doesn’t work and it all ends as a taunt

Of a better life that could’ve been, to be normal like you

We are not the same, just because you are sad too

What freedom it would be if I didn’t have to stress

If I didn’t care for the aftermath or any of the rest

If I didn’t want to haunt the person that would find me

If I didn’t care about how they would have to tell my family

The trauma it would cause is horrible that’s true

What I’m trying to say is I’m not alive for me but, for you

I put others first because if I did something for me

It would simply to put myself out of my misery


I read this back, even though tonight I’m in a better place, and I still believe it. I feel this is unfortunately my reality 50% of the time. This is not how everyone sees suicide or self-harm by any means. No two situations are the same. This is just my experience. I’ve had to frame suicide as this selfish act because it eliminates it as an option. Even when I’m not getting along with my friends and think they would be better without me or see how much I truly can burden my family, there’s always the first responder that could find me and be traumatized for the rest of their life. It is not a burden-less task. And that’s why I’m still here. I’m truly in the fight for my life right now. I know this seems dramatic but, the demons in my head get louder each day and this weight on my chest heavier. And now I’m waiting for relief in the form of a teardrop shaped antidepressant (how fitting). I refuse to surrender. No one should but, some must. I don’t envy the dead but, I do the living. Because, I might be breathing but, I certainly don’t feel alive.

Fight for your life, I sure am.

Sincerely,

Your Strong Female Lead