episode seventy-four // pause

I’m beginning to think that these dark thoughts in my head were not made for public consumption. That this entire blog was an errorbut, one that had good intention to have a place to spew all the bullshit that the world throws at us...at me. I’m not someone who thinks my words are more powerful or hold more weight than others. I don’t think my blog is special or different then any other mental health survival blog. This blog was meant for me to release and the reason I didn’t write it in a journal is that posting it online made me feel as if I was giving the universe a big “fuck you” by not being afraid of my struggles being accessible to all, although under a pseudonym.

As more and more friends and family became regular readers I didn’t change what I was doing. This may have been a mistake.

When hearing about someone you love struggling it can be hard not to try to fix it or take responsibility for it. It can be even harder to express this type of anxiety to the author of an anonymous blog. I never had the intention of making anyone feel as if they had responsibility over me. On the contrary I just wanted to be understood so I could continue living my life and not feel judged.

I’m an oversharer by nature. This blog was only an extension of that. But, there is some stuff that we should keep to ourselves it seems.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been desperately trying to keep things to myself. To fight on my own at least for a little bit, just to give my friends and family a break, and to not look like I’m constantly in crisis. And as you probably guessed it has not been pleasant and I still feel as if I am a burden.

The timing of my experiment was poor to say the least. Over the course of 3 weeks I’ve had enough deaths, goodbyes, panic attacks, and medication side effects to last me the next year. I have no self reassurance left in me.

So, what the fuck am I gonna do about?

Don’t answer that. I have to and I need more time to do it. Whether I choose to rely on others and accept that it may be annoying to them to hear me ramble or avoid all of it and learn to fight on my own, it has to be all me. As for the blog? I’m not sure yet.

For now I post this just as an explanation the rest will come in time. Whatever decision I make will be mine and that’s all I can ask for.

I’m managing, I’m holding on. My OCD wants me to crumble but, I’m staying strong. I just want everyone to be ok and that’s the truth. But, I also need myself to be in that category too.

Sincerely,

Your Strong Female Lead

episode seventy-three // just add tears

My chest is tight, nose is stuffy, I can barely catch my breath, my face is swollen, tears are streaming down my face and it’s all a good thing.

Finally, after months I’m crying. Like really full on ugly crying. And now if feels like the dam has opened and this cry might never end.

I really have been trying to put on such a brave face for this whole time. I’m not saying I’ve been successful, I fail a lot but the intention is to not give anyone else stress. If you don’t bring anyone in they won’t judge you. No new friends, no old friends. It’s leaked out to a few people but, for the most part I think I’ve held my shit pretty together and if you are sitting there thinking “I don’t know she’s been pretty dramatic” that’s okay I get it but, there’s a good chance you don’t know everything I’ve been holding back.

This cathartic cry is partly the lifting of depression, it’s partly the med change, it’s partly trauma responses, it’s all the shit that’s been piling up and finally my body is like we have enough serotonin to bring you back up after this so it might be a good time to deal with the shit that’s been bogging you down.

As much as crying is painful and it’s sad it weirdly feels good. This is a healthy expression of emotion. There’s no projecting on to others or lashing out or lashing in at myself. This is the real deal and I’m really proud of myself for letting it happen.

I’ve realized a lot of things just over the past week. I’m not as bad of a person as my brain tells me. I don’t have to be ok with being treated poorly. I don’t deserve it. I don’t have to share every moment with everyone. I don’t get nearly as upset when they don’t share them with me as I used to (thank you medication). I don’t have to be ok with others stepping over lines. I’m allowed to have boundaries. I’m allowed to have separate lives and not feel guilty. I’m allowed.

I’m not saying that these realizations will stick because chances are they won’t but, for now I’ll accept it as a win.

I cannot control if people cross boundaries. I can’t control if I get hurt. I can’t control most things in life and that’s part of why I’m crying. I live in a state of constant fear of the what if. That’s anxiety my dudes, no question, and it can make me difficult to be friends with but, that doesn’t mean I don’t deserve friendship it just means I need to find people who understand it and don’t make me feel crazy. Because I deserve to feel safe and respected and loved.

A life alone in a cabin in the woods with no social media or connection to the outside world has become ever more intriguing to me. No more school or work just me in a cabin in the woods. I would get bored, I know I’m not stupid but, the thought of just taking a break from everything is so attractive. Just some time to remember that I’m gonna be okay someday and no pressure to pretend that that day is today.

I can’t make everyone happy and it’s time to focus on making myself happy. If I’m not the old me I’m sorry it’s time for a change. I can’t keep living my life on someone else’s terms or in fear of not being able to keep up with others expectations of me. Here’s the big point:

I’m going to fail

That’s not a what if, that’s real life. If it’s inconvenient for others that really sucks but, if you have a problem it’s your job to bring it to the forefront I cannot be constantly on the lookout for ways I step on other’s toes. Hyper-vigilance and paranoia are not things I need more of.

So, it turns out if you want to have some life changing realizations...just add tears.

I’m not out of the woods (I just talked about living in a cabin in them) I’m not in a safe zone. Mental illness is real and it’s heavy and it sucks but, you can’t just sit and bed and cry all day and unfortunately it’s not cabin time yet.

I matter and I’m gonna be okay I just gotta try and make my life less complicated and not let others effect it.

So, with a stuffy nose and swollen eyes I sign off:

Sincerely,

Your Strong Female Lead

episode seventy-two // validity

I got a text from Courtney that read “Our emotional response to situations never need to be validated, we feel how we feel and it’s okay” my response? “Shit you sound like me”

It’s confusing how I can give this advice then completely forget it when it comes to myself. It’s also confusing how someone can walk all over me 700 times but as soon as you hurt my friend game over.

I hold myself to little importance it seems and the intricacies of this fact are not something I currently have time or energy to explore. However, there’s something I need to talk about.

It’s time to talk about trauma.

Trauma can be from an incident or a prolonged series of them. It’s individual to each person. One person could experience an event and come out unscathed while another could end up destroyed. The way you know it’s trauma is the physiologic fear response. One thinks of the trauma and they are transported there.

This is where I’m at.

It’s pure fear and it’s paralyzing. No coping works it’s instant panic.

If I verbalize this panic I can be accused of being paranoid or immature but, deep down I know what I feel and for people to deny it only makes it harder which is why what Courtney said is so important.

I don’t want pity. What I’ve gone through and experienced is nothing compared to others (even others involved in the same situation) but, it’s a good reminder that we all need to remember all feelings are valid. It’s no ones job to decided who should feel what when, not even our own as individuals. If I could control my feelings I promise things would be different. But, I can’t and (spoiler alert) neither can you. If you don’t recognize this trauma it will eat you alive.

Unfortunately, this episode has no real resolution. Just a few reminders that judging your emotions or those of others is ineffective. It does nothing but create more misery. You don’t have to sit there and listen to everyone talk about everything but, you don’t have to challenge or belittle them because you don’t understand why they feel the way they do.

My reality is that I don’t understand either. I’m just trying to get through the day without melting to pieces. You may not think it’s warranted but, guess what... that doesn’t make me not feel the fear it just makes it harder it get through it. 

Let’s just all try not to make each other’s lives more difficult shall we?

Sincerely,

Your Strong Female Lead

episode seventy-one // 1,826

Five fucking years. My friend H passed away after her battle with brain cancer 1,826 days ago. I can’t believe it’s been that long and yet I feel like it’s been forever.

Technically, it will have been five years on the 27th in the evening time because I got the call at night but, it’s so interesting to think that 5 years ago from this exact time (3/26 at 11:32) I would have been sleeping. I knew something was going on but, the extent was kept from us until they knew for sure. I was informed to be prepared during the afternoon of the 27th right after school. And I got the call after dinner that day. But, 5 years ago exactly, I would have been completely unaware that my life was going to change forever. 

I’m a different person now than I was then. Whether that’s for better or worse is subjective. But, I’d like to think that she’d like the me I am now, she didn’t tend to judge and she loved me through all my flaws.

I used to feel the need to justify my feelings. My high school experience with grief from losing a friend caused some maladaptive behaviors and warped thoughts. I felt the need to prove that I was worthy to feel as sad as I was. High school fucks you up. This culture was created because we were a bunch of teenagers faced with our own mortality. That’s why I don’t believe there’s any one person or group of people to blame. A culture is created by everyone involved and we all fed into because how the fuck were we to process this? At the time we could hardly handle the idea of who we were gonna sit with at lunch or what the guy that sits behind us in pre-calc thought of our new haircut. So, I try very hard to not pass judgement on others grieving processes anymore. I’m not perfect with it because when overlapped with my own grief it gets foggy but, I am trying.

Now when I think about H I think about what a major part of my life she was and still is. How she changed my life and I don’t care how cheesy that is. How she taught me my worth was more than what one person could possibly give me and to fight for what I love.

When I lost H I thought I would never feel whole again. I thought I would never have a “best friend” again. I thought that only one person could possibly understand and she was gone. This led to tension in my relationships with my friends and family and then a time where I was seeking new friendship that mostly ended in disaster. What I needed to understand was that I did lose something extremely special. That it was gone. And that although I can scream and cry and want for that back, I can never fill that with someone else and I don’t really want to. But, like a silence it’s easier to fill the void than sit in. I need to accept that I will never be whole again but, none of us are and I’ve learned to look at this void and thank it for reminding me of what I’ve lost and how special that person was and how damn lucky I was to know her. She was one of the first people capable of breaking through my cognitive distortions and get me to believe I mattered. If someone as special as her thought I was worth something than damn I must be pretty alright.

I’ve never left her behind. She taught me how a friend should be treated. She was wise beyond her years. I could go on and on and on and she would be the first to tell me shut up.

She was awesome and it’s hard to understand that she’s gone. It’s hard to conceptualize that this doesn’t end. Next year will be six years, then seven, and so on. The grief will come in waves. Some days it’ll be more tolerable than others. It doesn’t go away though. This hole or void is something I need to take care of. Let myself feel it. Ignoring it does nothing and can make me lose sight of the reason I feel so sad. I’m sad because H was amazing. If I have to feel sad sometimes in order to not forget that fact, I can handle it.

Tonight I’m gonna listen to some music she would have liked and dance around my room like an idiot hoping somewhere she’s watching because she would have loved to watch me make a fool out myself in the name of fun. Tomorrow I’ll watch “Crazy, Stupid, Love”  the only movie I own on DVD even though I don’t have a DVD player and can’t watch it on my computer. I always find a way to watch it despite this technical difficulty. I think she would have found my dedication funny. 

I miss you kid.  

Sincerely,

Your Strong Female Lead

episode seventy // cbt act wtf

 “So, basically I have to reach out for help and call a friend when I’m struggling, which is a CBT behavior to get through the moment, while being okay with the fact that I might be burdening them and that it is their job to decide for themselves what they can handle, which is an ACT behavior?”

I said this in a phone session with Jazz a few nights ago. The answer is yes. I have to use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) in short term points of crisis and use Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) as a long term lifestyle change. Sounds complicated, and it is. 

They have different opinions about so many things. ACT disagrees with distraction and sees it as avoidance behavior while CBT thinks distraction is a vital tool. CBT thinks of reassurance seeking behaviors as gathering evidence to combat your thoughts while ACT doesn’t want you to fight your thoughts at all and requires no evidence because there’s nothing to prove or disprove. Does your brain hurt yet?

Since my depression has started lifting my thoughts have started what my therapist likes to call “churning,” ugh I know a horrible word right? She knows I’ve begun this “churning” when I started questioning every single thing she says. The moment I start playing devils advocate for the most minute of details is when you know my mind is racing and my world may begin to be sprinkled with itty bitty panic attacks.

But, I can combat this. With a combo of my alphabet soup of therapies I can make it through my day a little less exhausted. The issue is a few nights ago I started churning about the very therapies that were supposed to help me stop churning. FML am I right?

No, I’m just playing, but it’s important for me to document the intricacies of my disorder. Putting words down helps me create a vocabulary for an illness that so often leaves me speechless...and usually in tears.

I hope that someday creating a sort of dictionary can help others also put words to their disorder and also help my friends and family understand a little bit better too.

Why do I constantly ask for validation about our friendship or if you’re angry with me?

This is Reassurance Seeking Behavior. Because I have cognitive distortions that hinder me from having faith in things that I haven’t seen evidence of in a while like, a friendship of someone I don’t talk to often or if I do see someone frequently, they haven’t been themselves lately. (Either circumstance could have a logical explanation however you can’t logic this shit)

Why do I absolutely HATE IT when someone tells me I’m going to ace my test?

This is Magical Thinking. I believe that somehow you displaying this support of me is going to make me know fail that exam...it’s like a superstition and they can at times run my life.

Why do I constantly feel I have to uphold an image of being a good person?

This is the Imposter Syndrome. It’s because I don’t think I am a good person at all and feel that I’m just putting on a great facade and the moment I let my guard down people will see me for the person I really am which is not that great IMO.

Just a few reminders of what I’m fighting against. NOT FOR PITY DEAR LORD DONT PITY ME! Just because there’s a good chance you or someone you know has these behaviors and I think it’s important to be patient with the person experiencing them especially if it’s you. They are frustrating to be on either side of, trust me! But, if we all begin to live in the uncertainty and become comfortable with not knowing if someone is actually angry with us or just trusting in a friendship you don’t tend to everyday (which are ACT beliefs) we can start to be more and more mindful and live in the moment (which is a CBT belief). I guess they aren’t as at odd after all.

So, I could end it there but I guess I should really address what the first quote was talking about. Basically, I have been feeling guilt and shame from having to call a friend or family member for support. It’s not logical, I am aware but, it’s a tendency of my thoughts that I cannot get rid of. Part of CBT is doing whatever you must do to survive this time of crisis and for me that’s calling someone but, with the heavy weight of the thoughts about bothering or burdening the person on the other end of the call I haven’t been calling, just suffering (even though my mantra is don’t suffer if you don’t have too). My ACT comes in to save the day though. I must accept that I cannot control the person on the other end of the lines feelings towards me or me calling. It is their responsibility to decide whether they want to answer the call or not or, if they have an issue with me or any of my actions they have to tell me. I cannot constantly be watching out to make sure I’m not stepping on any toes ever even though that would be nice! I can only trust that my friend or family member would want me to feel safe tonight and they would want me to at least try to call. So, there’s that, not as nice as the first ending but hey, what do you expect from me?

Sincerely,

Your Strong Female Lead

episode sixty-nine // lifting

Ok yes the depression is lifting a little. Good things. But, the thoughts...hm the thoughts get worse when the depression is lifting.

I can’t help but be self-conscious and anxious at every turn. But, it’s better than the dark cloud I was drowning under.

And it’s interesting that it’s lifting of course at such a stressful time in my life. I did a med change back to an old tried and true antidepressant and I’m glad I did because I’m feeling better already but, life’s hit me with that one, two punch. Again, nothing I can’t handle it just sucks it’s all happening at once.

So, what am I talking about? Well I found out that I have a long abnormal lesion on one vocal chord and a cyst on the other, I was taken out of singing which sucks ass. I hate sitting on the sidelines more than anything and can’t see a specialist for a few more weeks.  That MRI I was so looking forward to was cancelled because my insurance company didn’t approve it. Which sucks and I don’t know if or when I’ll get it and I’m still in pain. Also, school is a literal bitch and a half and so stigmatizing I just need to make it through to...maternity which is so scary because pregnancy is my actual phobia I think it’s so gross but, it’s better than this bullshit I’m learning now.

BUT! Just because I’m complaining doesn’t mean I am not thankful to have the medical treatment I have or the care I have etc. Everything will be ok it’s just gonna take time. What I’m REALLY worried about is the depression lifting. It sounds insane I know but, this is the most dangerous time.

I’ve already found myself isolating a bit and not reaching out because I “don’t want to bother him/her” but, then they don’t reach out and I assume I was right. Was I? No! People have busy ass lives and I do too. Texting people can be very stressful to me. Sometimes I don’t even remember what I sent. It’s mindless. And also, my question my relationships is part of my condition. AND friendships wax and wane. I know all of this yet it fucking consumes me. And I keep telling myself “you know this!” and reminding myself “you’ve thought this before and it turned out fine!” it starts to make you feel like a lost cause.

So frequently I give others advice and it’s not always just for them. Sometimes if I relate to it, it helps me remember that this storm will pass. But, it seems I’m fighting with myself every step of the way. And starting to feel better is a fucking relief but as I said before, it’s terrifying. Yes, you have more energy and that’s good but, also you have more energy and sometimes that energy is channeled into unhealthy thoughts and actions. You gain more energy but, your mood isn’t stable yet and your distress tolerance is not high enough to handle it nor are your coping skills anywhere near ready.

I’ll tell you how I knew I was getting to this lifting point.

If you’ve ready this silly online diary for awhile you know that my OCD is focused primarily on my social relationships. I have cognitive distortions, I’m chronically insecure it’s a whole fucking thing. To try to combat this in times when I’m down (prepare yourself to make fun of me I don’t care) my therapist recommended I save/screenshot nice messages my friends send to me or people say about me and I have a folder on my google photos. I know that this depression is lifting and the anxiety is creeping in when I start questioning/doubting those. For example one from last summer I got a nice text from a friend and I went back to look when I was down the other night and my brain said:

well, they may have felt that way then but, certainly not now...

I could easily be a fucking weirdo, give into my compulsion and ask my friend what’s up and if they still feel the same way OR I could power through, use my coping skills, build my distress tolerance and trust in the fact that this is a good friend of mine and I’ve done nothing to make their opinions of me change and if they did change that would be ok. And I could rationalize the first way by saying that I’m “writing this friend off” by not reaching out but, that’s just because that would make me feel better sooner. So, you see energy is not so great for me all the time.

But, this “lifting” period will not last forever. Transitions are hard but, I’m ready to experience what joy is again. I’m ready to not be afraid of the aftermath of happiness. Cheers to the lifting let’s stay safe.

Sincerely,

Your Strong Female Lead

PS: I am FULLY aware this is episode 69 and that is funny to me and I just thought I would let you know I’m still an immature preteen at heart.

episode sixty-eight // stable

 “You ok now? Stable?”

The PA’s Russian accent and soft voice made this question about my mental health less threatening. I responded with a “yes” and a smile. The word stable is quite comical to me and has different meanings to different people. To me, “Stable” means at baseline. His question was asking whether I was an immediate harm to myself or others. The answer is no but, am I stable? I would say no.

I’m here at a pain specialist continuing the never ending saga of my ominous rib pain. It’s the most consistent thing in my life right now. The pain is always there and makes it very difficult to breathe. But, I don’t talk about it. I don’t want people to think I’m weak or worse, attention seeking. When it gets really bad I can’t avoid to grimace at which point people will ask “that’s still bothering you?” Oh yeah my friends it doesn’t go away. And from what I’m hearing from doctors, it won’t.

So, I’m at a pain management specialist. They can’t find the cause and can’t cure what they can’t see but, then can attempt to curb the symptoms. Similar to mental illness to be honest, you gotta manage the symptoms.

But, this Russian PA, he just gave me some hope. He wants me to get an MRI, doesn’t want to “fly blind”. More imaging, that’s what I’ve been asking for but, instead they sent me to pain management and I accepted this referral because I knew fighting wouldn’t help. I felt doubted, I felt as if I was being dismissed. And I was.

Today’s different though! They ordered an MRI! We shall see what it shows but at least we will do more investigating.

Most of my healthcare has been trial and error. That’s mental health care most of the time and that’s the section of health care I experience the most. Pain also follows the same trial and error system sometimes. But, today we decided not to just accept fate and to find out more information. If only I could do that with my mental illness. An MRI for the causalities of my OCD, depression, and my dark thoughts. What’s really driving it, which medications can really help the specific neurotransmitter imbalance I have. Wow I wish.

Then again I wish a lot of things and I do have to admit one of those is to be stable. I would love to have “nothing to report” to my psychiatrist. Not my psychologist though. The minute I have nothing to report to her will be the minute I stop growing and learning.

So, no I’m not stable. I think that I will be again someday. I think I will find my baseline of being content. It doesn’t mean being happy all the time, it just means not suffering everyday. Stability means only the normal amount of suffering that life brings, none of this other bullshit.

Sincerely,

Your Strong Female Lead

episode sixty-seven // would you rather

Someone in the atrium smells like weed.

I’m exhausted by my emotions, will do anything to shut them off and someone in the atrium smells like weed

I’m alone and spiraling, I’m exhausted by my emotions, will do anything to shut them off and someone in the atrium smells like weed

I am having the thought that I do not deserve love/security, I’m alone and spiraling, I’m exhausted by my emotions, will do anything to shut them off and someone in the atrium smells like weed.

It all builds on each other really. Loneliness sparks it. But, loneliness happens if people are around or not. It’s worse when no one is around though. I like conversation even if its about nothing. I’m never truly fulfilled by conversation anyway. I’m doubtful that there are any words to describe my feelings. I’m just a sad sack of shit. I don’t know what I’m complaining about, my life is good...everything’s fine. I feel as if people are going to give up on me soon.

YIKES ok I gotta stop myself and take a break.

This cycle is stimulated by a lack of stimulation. The feeling of never being satisfied with myself or anything else. I’ve gone full “Id” wanting things here and now and wanting only things that create positive stimulation. But, nothing can/will break through because the reality is I’ve shut off my emotions because they are too much to handle. If I open that door I’ll fall apart. I’ll do something stupid. I don’t want to feel that...I’d rather feel nothing. So, I’ve been dissociating also known as separating myself from my feelings. I feel nothing which is useful but, it leaves me unsatisfied which leads me to be full “Id” which leads me to make stupid decisions. And the worst part is that any positive emotion that leads me to put my guard down is just a ploy to open the door and the negative emotions are quick to follow.

Because its all or nothing kid, you can’t feel no sadness and still feel happiness.

So, that rush you get from seeing a crush or answering a question right or hearing a good joke...it all comes at a price.

If you think I sound dramatic, thats fine...Its probably because you don’t have all the information but, I’m a dick and I’m not ready to talk about it all so suck it.

Like the new attitude? Gee thanks just bought it...along with the same shirt in like 40 different colors because shopping is a thing I do when I’m stressed.

But, I do feel powerful because I recently talked to a class of 20 kids about my story. MY mental illness story and it was so well received. It makes me feel powerful but, again that feeling opens up for others.

I have a choice to make:

Option 1: Feel nothing so I can avoid the deep deep darkness but, in the process feel no joy and be in a constant lull

Option 2: Feel everything so that joy doesn’t come with consequences but, in the process feel horribly depressed

What a disgusting game of ‘would you rather?’

Sincerely,

Your Strong Female Lead

episode sixty-six // displacement?

I would do anything not to feel right now. I haven’t posted in awhile and I’m sure I’ll get into that...I’m positive I will but, right now I need to get this out.

I’m currently in the psych part of my nursing degree and my OCD is having a field day. Attaching to every little word that I know isn’t up to date info but legit doesn’t matter in the grand scheme.

I found a support person to go to in the nursing building. I did the right thing and found someone to vent to. But, even when you do the right thing sometimes you fuck up.

I challenged my actual psych professor today on something that honestly wasn’t even that big of a deal but, I was already agitated and I’m pissed that a comment about 15 minute rounds is the hill I decided to fall on because it legit DOESN’T MATTER and the shameful part is I MIGHT NOT EVEN BE COMPLETELY RIGHT.

I’m embarrassed and I’m frustrated with my professors response but, I think there’s something bigger here. I just don’t want to rehash this shit in my schooling because I do it all in my personal life.

Tomorrow, I’m going to share my story with a class of 20 seniors from all over the county that are interested in the medical professions. I was one of them 4 years ago. I’m extremely nervous but, I’m also excited. I’ll be able to talk about mental health through my eyes instead of basing it on 40 year old data and my professors objectives.

I’m exhausted by this feeling. Anger/Frustration drain me dry. But, this isn’t the end of the world I just need to keep my shit together and my mouth shut for the next 3-4 weeks and I’m done with psych nursing.

I hate when someone has this kind of power over my emotions but, I can’t help it she makes me heated even though she might not be the root cause of my feelings.

Sincerely,

Your Strong Female Lead

episode sixty-five // a product of 2018

This year Your Strong Female Lead rang in the new year with Olive and her parents in their family room with swollen tonsils and a stuffy nose and honestly it was a good time.

But, as I scrolled through all the tweets about Anderson Cooper taking a tequila shot on CNN NYE I saw Captain tweet about his year.

He made a great point about how the things that made up his 2018 were not ones to be put in the basic “year in review” instagram stories that everyone has been posting.

I texted him about it...because he wrote about how he got his heart broken and that shit still fucks me up...I might have teared up...I hate when my friends are in pain ok? I expressed to him that I too would have to rate 2018 as one of the hardest years of my life.

I’m not one to say that every year that ends is this worst year either but, 2018? Yeah 2018 can suck it and I wish that my take on this topic was somehow special or unique but honestly this episode is fixing to be another basic blog post about how you measure a year and we’re just gonna have to live with that.

2018 was the year I lost my first college friend group and learned that I don’t have to be treated like shit by my friends in order for them to stick around...but, of course this learning only came after being treated that way for 8 months.

2018 was the year I realized how afraid I truly was of being out of control. So afraid that my mind decides its easier to digest the concept of me causing illness and death or emotional pain and suffering that led to death than to believe I am absolutely powerless.

2018 was the year I realized that at 21 years of age I’m behind on some major life milestones and that sucks.

2018 was the year I relapsed. I had 3 or 4 medication changes, showed the full ugly face of my mental illness to my friends for the first time, went back to outpatient treatment, was misdiagnosed with borderline, and realized that I need to find the balance between ignoring my mental health and using my mental health as an excuse not to step out of my comfort zone.

2018 was almost my last year of life if we’re being honest and honesty is what this blog is all about.

There’s a lot more that happened that got me to my breaking point. I lost loved ones, witnessed a horrific act of violence, saw my friends get their hearts broken by people who never deserved them (and not just one friend a bunch), got my heart broken myself several times and not by any fault of the person I caught feelings for, had people literally act like I didn’t exist, etc. etc.

When I think of this past year I think of resilience. I think about how I had to go through all of that to gain two of my best friends Captain and Doug. Sometimes they make me question whether they were worth it but, I always end up in the conclusion that they were and that I love those idiots. I gained my nursing school family too. I gained a new relationship with my sister. I strengthened my relationships with my friends from home who saw me at my absolute worst. I gained a new understanding of my parents that helped our communication immensely. I took some major L’s but, there were some dubs sprinkled in that will follow me to this next year.

If you know me in real life you know I love Alessia Cara and her new album and if I’ve already told you about it sorry but, there’s a lyric of the song “My Kind” that goes like this:

I'm a product of the who's, when's and how's

Those who let go and those who stuck around

Those words summarize my year. I’m learning about how little I can actually control in this world and it’s scary. It’s scary to think I’m a product of something and that I can’t control even how I feel. I’ve experienced trauma in a few forms and it gave me a new understanding of how different things in our lives can effect us...and that it can be random. 

I cannot say 2019 will be better because I don’t want to jinx it. I hope it will be that’s for sure. But, to finish up this post I will use the rest of that quote from Alessia’s song:

I wish somebody would've told me I'd be here now

'Cause this kind of life is one to sing about

We made it bitches. Bring it on 2019.

Sincerely,

Your Strong Female Lead

episode sixty-four // unmatched

I returned to my tinder matches today to find one less name under the list of conversations. Craig unmatched me.

I don’t know if my emotion about it is more about me or him.

I’m worried about him and his mental health but, as my friend Amelia reminded me he knows his supports and he also knows how to contact me.

But, in reality I know that’s not really what’s bugging me about this.

Did I scare him away? Maybe.

Did he just delete his tinder? Also Maybe.

Does it matter which one removed him from my inbox? No.

What does matter is how it makes me feel and why I feel this way.

This kid was my connection to recovery again. Someone that reminds me what it’s like to be in treatment and to be getting better. So, yeah it kinda feels like recovery broke up with me. That’s fucking scary.

You might think I’m crazy and making something out of nothing. I don’t fault you for this but, I can’t change the way I am and what I feel trust me I’ve tried.

This is kinda poetic in sick and twisted way. My human embodiment of traditional recovery rejected me and now I guess I have to find that path another way.

I feel the need to convince you (my reader) that I’m not losing my shit. That I’m not a crazy stalker bitch. I mean I feel the need to convince you of this because I need to convince myself of this I guess. But, I’m not. Being in treatment with someone is a very unique and intimate experience. It’s something you have to feel to understand. You care deeply about these people so quickly and then you are forced to never see them again. It’s difficult. And then you like find them on tinder and there’s no road map on how to navigate that so you just have excessive emotion about the whole thing. It’s very interesting...very very interesting.

My gut reaction is to delete tinder and throw in the towel on normal life and enter a treatment facility and get help...because that worked sooooo well the first time (sarcasm). But instead, I’m going to go against my gut reaction because, that’s different and we need to switch up our approach. I’ll stay on tinder and I’ll keep fighting for my version of recovery...it might be something I haven’t even seen yet.

(ALSO RECOVERY DOES NOT EQUAL HAVING A MAN! It just so happens that this symbolism used a man to represent recovery but, that doesn’t mean the two are correlated. No man or woman or person can help me get better except me!)

I’m trusting my lonely (Alessia Cara reference! Listen to her album!) and I’ll fight for my sanity. Rejection sucks but, it doesn’t define you!

Sincerely,

Your Strong Female Lead

PS

Really wanted to do a pun about how like he may have unmatched me but don’t worry my resilience is unmatched too but, it seemed like too much. And it definitely was I just wanted it in here somewhere I guess.

episode sixty-three // partially worse

As I was leaving Dakota’s Aunt’s house tonight, I remembered something. The last time I was getting in my car to drive home from this house, I was writing goodbye notes in my head to my loved ones. I was planning. It was a birthday party they threw for me and the events are detailed in episode thirty-one if you want to refresh your memory but, I was close. I ended up calling my mom to stay with me that night for safety reasons.

I wish I could say I felt so much better and stronger leaving that house tonight but, I’m afraid not much has changed. I was talking about it tonight in group, I haven’t gotten better... I’m in crisis I’m just better at hiding it. I’m trying to make myself easier to tolerate for the people around me. I need these people. But, the sicker I get in my head the harder it is to reach out.

Tonight however I did reach out. I told my friends I was struggling before I told my blog...that’s huge for me. I was in a room with my friends from high school and felt disconnected as one does when they are struggling. I ended up texting Doug and Captain. They both did just what I needed them to do and I appreciate them big time. It’s hard because the guilt I feel for relying on people often prevents me from reaching out but, people prove time and time again that that’s what they are for. I just don’t know how many more times they have to do that for me to believe it.

So, where is this all coming from? I know that I wax and wane and that during the semester I struggled but when unoccupied and no people around me to be accountable to...that’s when I struggle the most.

This isn’t out of the blue, we know that post semester depression occurs for me but also I have been fighting these demons consistently the whole semester, I just have no distraction now.

And then there’s this other little thing...

It we throw it back to episode forty-one we will recall my good friend Craig. He was this guy I met in Partial and we made a sober pact for the weekend and was part of the iconic “sad boyz” quartet we made in one of our groups. In that post I said that I hoped they would contact me but if they don’t it is what it is. Well I forgot to update that two out of three did contact me. One of whom being Craig. We exchanged texts for a while until it died off. I was disappointed when this happened but, that’s life. And up until recently I hadn’t even thought about him much at all. And then I redownloaded tinder.

It’s not one of my finest moments and Captain (an avid tinder opponent) will be pissed to find out via blog so I’m gonna have to text him before I post this but, to get over the boy mentioned in the episode sixty-two (who we can call Nick) and to just talk to some new people it seemed like the best option. You see what happened with Nick sucked and also (side bar) found out both Cap and Elle are not too disappointed it didn’t work out for me because they don’t like him much. I don’t think that anything will ever come of it but, Nick is still going to be around quite a bit so it’s hard to hear that from them. They tell me I can do better but, my argument is that I couldn’t seal the deal with this guy what evidence does anyone really have that I can do better. Like guys I love you but we need to keep our minds open and expectations low...like really low.

Anyway so I downloaded tinder. I swiped for a while whatever nothing big and then there he was...my good friend Craig. I swiped right and it was a match and not 10 minutes later he messages me “Omg Jess!!!” And a “Hi how are you” and it turned my Christmas night into something else. He ended up back in partial which sucks but, I told him that I was low-key jealous and it honestly brought up a lot of emotions for me.

You see Partial is a program that was planned company all day. You weren’t alone and you didn’t have to put in work for it to be that way. I am the one who often reaches out to make plans and stuff and since that’s been the way it is I’ve convinced myself that if I just stopped and let people come to me they wouldn’t. I’ve convinced myself that no one would ask how I was or ask to hang out ever. I’ve convinced my self I’m not worthy of others. So, during break where I’m so frequently unoccupied I find myself trying to fill every second of the day with people. It’s exhausting but, I know if I want to stay safe it’s what needs to happen. It’s just a lot of work. Partial you go and your days schedule is handed to you and your companions that hopefully become your friends are also and the work you do on yourself isn’t easy but the environment to do that work in is. I miss the environment.

I talked to Doug, Cap and Courtney about it tonight. It makes sense people like the structure. But, it wasn’t just the structure it was having people around. People like the sad boyz that get it. That’s why I cherish Doug’s friendship so much because he gets it. And Cap too to an extent! But, it won’t be the same as Partial and I have some regrets about leaving Partial early. Maybe if I didn’t leave so quickly I’d be better now...but then again maybe not.

I messaged Craig again tonight even though he didn’t answer me last night. I asked about one of the group therapists in Partial and what her joke of the day was. Unfortunately she’s been doing intakes so he hasn’t seen her...but, ya know I have this weird inkling that I didn’t really message him because of a dumb dad joke. I wanted a connection to the inside...to treatment...to recovery. The conversation died again though and I have nothing to reignite it so it’s probably done and I’m disappointed but, that’s okay overall.

I guess I have gotten a bit better. I mean I’m still in distress but I can tolerate it a lot better and I think that’s partially the goal. I will continue to rely on my friends and try to tell them things directly and not through the blog. And most importantly I’ll follow my damn safety plan and I’ll stay safe. Hope you do too.

Sincerely,

Your Strong Female Lead

episode sixty-two // next

There isn’t any mistaken this feeling...I’m pissed.

I have another episode half way done that I might post after this one about my post semester depression and how I have the motivation to write which means there’s some feeling I need to get out but, I can’t pinpoint it and it’s a kind of writer’s block that I haven’t experienced. But, that all changed with this new found hormonal bitch anger. Let me try to explain.

I’m pissed at myself for not listening to my own advice and for talking the talk but still walking the desperate walk.

I’m pissed at this boy for wasting my time.

I’m pissed at society for making me feel like I need to have a romantic social life at the age of 21 or else I’m lame. I know there’s an argument that those societal influences can only affect you if you let them but, to those people I say fuckkkk youuuuu because at the end of the day that’s just an invalidating thing people say to make themselves feel better about contributing to it.

And I’m pissed at myself for also pretending that none of this affects me.

So, what the fuck happened?

There was a boy who I thought was interested in me and after a few attempts to hang out and weird interactions we ended up with the conclusions stated in episode sixty: the price of maturity. I stopped caring deeply about this situation and attempted develop a “thank u, next” mentality while also not giving up on this boy. That’s when I realized my life is a joke.

After all my attempts and after I really dug into the not giving a shit and not playing games I messaged him a few times to hang out. All were met with a “my bad” and an excuse. Last night I was hit with the same “my bad” and I vowed to be done. He then messaged me attempting to make plans for the following night (today) which I responded to this morning with a “that sounds fun!” and then he responded with “actually sorry” and cancelling on me due to sleep deprivation and the need to go to sleep early (he decided this at noon). I’m not mad at him for not being interested in me. I’m mostly pissed I put so much effort into this after saying I don’t give a fuck. I’m pissed I lied to myself and didn’t deal with the fact that this sucks no matter what. To be dodged is a shitty feeling no matter what. WITH THAT BEING SAID. I can’t be wasting my time on this. I’m young and dumb and need to be spending time with my friends that are only home for a short period of time. I think part of me wanted to spend time with someone that doesn’t know what has been going on with me. Someone that doesn’t know I’m struggling or doesn’t know that I have a safety plan folded up in my wallet in case I become suicidal. Someone that doesn’t know I take medications to survive or go to two types of therapy every week to learn how to handle my thoughts. And that means I don’t want to be around someone who really knows me because all of that struggle is a big part of who I am. And that’s because I am still ashamed of all of it.

I’m ashamed that in a crowded room full of my favorite people I feel like I’m alone.

I’m ashamed that the best way to combat that feeling is to use physical grounding (sit close to someone, get a hug, whatever).

I’m ashamed at how weird that is and that I still haven’t told that to my friends because they might think its weird.

I’m ashamed that I call my friends and waste their time talking about the same thing over and over again.

I’m ashamed that I am paranoid and require validation all of the time.

I’m ashamed of how exhausting it is to be around me.

I’m ashamed at how selfish I’ve become during my time of crisis.

And shame is a powerful thing. Arguably more powerful than any feeling I can have towards a boy and it’s legitimately been running my life for a bit of time now. But, I am bigger than the shame. Someday I might find someone who is able to see all of me and see it through a romantic lens. And honestly, I shouldn’t settle for anything less.

So, we will take some advice from Ariana Grande of all people. We gotta shutdown this unhealthy concept of romance and learn from it. I’m young and have so much more time to make mistakes. Right now I need to focus on what is important. The people I care about are here now and although that stirs up a lot emotion, that cannot be emotion I suppress because that will lead to regret. Have a great holiday everyone and remember you deserve someone that knows you and loves you just the same.

Sincerely,

Your Strong Female Lead

PS I’m probably gonna fuck up again but, at least I’ve fixed the writers block

episode sixty- one // in review

Warning: This is so fucking corny dudes

It’s the day before my final exam for my second semester of nursing school. I’ve been studying (kinda) for hours but, also taking breaks to scroll through social media and blast Alessia Cara on my little blue speaker in my living room. It’s wild how there’s so much that happened in this semester academically but, also emotionally and the success I had in both departments will be overshadowed on the grade I get tomorrow.

If I fail, I will remember no successes. I will recall only what I could have done better and how I could have prioritized school over my emotions. If I pass, I’ll recall all the work I put in and that it did pay off. Neither option really delves into the success I have had emotionally.

Although I did not bounce back nearly as much as I wanted to after Partial hospitalization this summer, I did make great strides.

1. I allowed myself to feel what it’s like for someone to be upset with me and didn’t do everything in my power to fix it because somethings cannot be fixed.
2. I used open communication to make my life better and didn’t just focus on what it would make the other person feel.
3. I realized that I’m alright and at the end of the day if I end up without a “life partner” I will always have my friends and family.
4. I’m beginning to take my own advice and allow myself to be vulnerable and not feel like a burden (although I’m nowhere near good at this yet)
5. I understand now that getting “better” is not a straightforward process and that I have been getting better although I don’t always feel that way.

These five things are big wins even if they are just “wins” in progress and on the eve of my final exam I want to remind myself of them. Because grades are important obviously but, what I have learned even in just the past week of living will have impacts on me for a life time and none of it came from a book.

I talk to my nursing friends a lot about maturity. I’m the youngest in our friend group at 21 years old. They are all late 20s/early 30s and say often that they are so glad they weren’t my age in nursing school. For awhile I took this as they were glad they could live it up in their early 20s but, recently I began to see it quite differently.

Your early 20s are a time of discovery and confusion. Most of us legit have no idea what the fuck is going on but, we’re supposed to pretend to. We don’t know who we are and sometimes prioritize things based on what makes you feel good now instead of thinking about the future. I’m not saying this is everyone but I feel like when I talk to kids my age this is what I get from them. So, going through a program like this whilst doing all that self-discovery? It’s not easy but, I’m also very lucky because I have very few other responsibilities that maturity tends to come with.

In a year (if everything goes as planned) I’ll be finishing nursing school...a year. I’m terrified and excited and feel like I could cry and vomit at the same time. I want this so bad that it scares me. I’m gonna fight like hell for it. And while I learn about Electrolyte imbalances and Central lines I’ll also be learning about myself. OH MY GOD PUKE THATS FUCKING CORN ON THE COB LEVEL CORNY. Ugh I can’t help it though it’s true. I’m gonna fuck up, I’m gonna prioritize fun over schoolwork at times, and I’m gonna cry...a lot but, I’ll make it through because that’s the only way to go and I’ve got a long way to go even after I graduate.

Okay that’s the end of my study break gotta get back to it, these medication side effects are not gonna learn themselves. Hopefully tomorrow night at this time I won’t be looking for a new career path...

Sincerely,

Your Strong Female Lead

episode sixty // the price of maturity

Who the fuck am I? What am I doing? How did I get here?

The past three weeks have been some for the record books. I’ve been messy and unhealthy and my mental health took a deep dive.

All of this shittiness has led me to one incredible new goal:

I must accept I might end up alone.

I’m not saying this for pity and I don’t want the statistics. I’m saying this because I’ve realized that my fear of loneliness has driven me to make weird decisions, fucked up priorities, and changed the way I think and feel about myself.

It’s time that I started living my life instead of planning it.

There is so little we control in the world. How others perceive you is one of those things. But, how I perceive myself well that’s something I can work on.

This isn’t a message against all men saying fuck you or a feminist rant about how I don’t need no man because as epic as that would be that’s not where we’re at. I don’t have to think I’m the most amazing person. I can still change and grow but the version of me from December 13, 2018 is good enough for December 13, 2018.

I got advice from Doug about this (I know crazy) he basically gave me the classic you can love anyone else until you love yourself but, I really think it’s quite darker than that. I need to become okay with me because this may be all I end up with.

Over the past three weeks I will say though I’ve been thinking about romance and intimacy quite a bit. I find it interesting what my friends at four year colleges think of as a big deal in regards to intimacy versus what I do. It’s definitely a cultural thing. Colleges are where hookup culture began and where it thrives. Having never attended a four year like that I think of much smaller acts of kindness as intimacy. Getting someone flowers or cuddling on the couch seems way more meaningful to me than it would to someone at a four year who probably knows someone that goes home with a different girl every weekend. Ones not better than the other...just different. This whole concept of “late bloomer” has stuck with me ever since high school. I have a lack of experience in all the fun negative coping mechanisms (sex, drugs, rock n roll) but, am very familiar with deep emotional pain that usually comes with maturity. I got that shit hella early. I’ve heard I’ll be thankful for it later in life. That I’ve experienced a lot of my growing pain early on, but right now it just feels quite boring and sad. I don’t blame my friends for not being interested in my boring plant buying boy. Its very juvenile, but to me it’s important. I need to make sure that I don’t let others dictate what’s important in my world because, my world is unique.

So, I guess the price of maturity is loneliness. That’s expensive.

I can’t wait to see what December 14th me has to offer and how she compares to December 15th me etc. but, right now December 13th me needs to get some sleep and start tomorrow fresh. Can’t wait to learn how to accept loneliness...sounds fun?

Sincerely,

Your Strong Female Lead

PS

if you are looking for some new music to validate you Alessia Cara’s new album “The Pain of Growing” is out and phenomenal! My favorite song of it is “Easier Said” the chorus goes “Healing and patience are lovers. Don't place the blame on your heart just to make 'em stop. Just take your time to recover. Cause it's easier said, it's easier said than done” I’m going to get that shit tattooed on me someday.

episode fifty-nine // riot gear

Depression is not easy to detect. I can’t measure it like a fever or my blood pressure. It’s hard to decipher just feeling down with something more serious. It could be the weather, it could be school, it could be a number of things but, nothing would be scarier than my chemicals becoming imbalanced again.

There’s not much to say about it I guess. Just a reminder that recovery isn’t just about successes. My recovery has been all over the place. But, I haven’t felt like myself since maybe last semester. I’m scared I’ll never get it back and I’m not even sure I know what “it” is. I’m trying not to worry but, I’m sad. I tear up quite often. I’m crying right now. My thoughts are relatively slow and trivial. Nothing significant that could explain the mood. But, the longer the mood stays like this the thoughts tend to follow. Everyday all day I find my self gritting my teeth as if just waking up and functioning is painful. I clench my jaw so hard it hurts. I’m doing it right now. I can feel the pressure right in from of my ear where the muscles of the jaw all attach.

I just feel like I’m always in crisis. There’s always something wrong with me. I’m afraid it’s going to become the new normal and people will stop caring. Not saying they have to be worried but, they could get tired of it because, shit, I am.

I want to switch my meds again. Ugh that sounds horrible but I feel like I want to go back on to the magic square pill that saved me years ago. Unfortunately though it might not even effect me anymore and I feel like instead of running away from this with pills I should sit with it but, I’m not sure what feelings I’m even sitting with.

Ok I’ll admit, I’m having a bit of a panic attack. I’m getting cold all over which is the new form my attacks have taken. It starts at my toes and travels then I end up shivering and crying. I usually put a winter hat on and fuzzy socks, pajama pants and a sweatshirt and get under my weighted blanket and just wait it out. Trying to fight it mentally/logically makes it worse, like quick sand.

It’s been happening a lot lately. Nothing bad enough to call my psychiatrist about but, it’s not good.

I’m fine, just blah. I don’t want to really talk to anyone but, I know I should. The burden thing is ringing in my ears. I gotta go get into my warm clothes almost like it’s riot gear and cozy up to wait out this panic attack. I’m not gonna call anyone but, I recognize that I should...I feel like that should count for something.

It’s been about 10 minutes since I felt the panic coming on and wrote that paragraph about it. And now I’m freezing and reporting to you live from under a weighted blanket. Was too cold to attempt to grab the second blanket that adds another 25 pounds to the equation. Winter hat down to fuzzy socks I’m in my gear. And the blanket H’s mom gave me after she passed bundled up in my arms. It’s been apart of my bed’s linens since I got it. It still smells like their house a little bit.

This will pass but, not til after I let it take its full course. If I try to fight it, it will just prolong the experience. So, I’m gonna go do that. My riot gear will remain for the entirety. I probably won’t even move for 15-20 minutes. Hope you’re hanging in there. I just want hugs from my favorite people. Makes the cold anxiety go away. Sorry this was rambling and whatever but, again I feel blah and flat. I’m not much fun. Ok time to go wait out the storm...

Sincerely,

Your Strong Female Lead

episode fifty-eight // bestseller

Historically, I have been very good at reading people. We have discussed this I think if not I’m fucking psychic so get on board. I’m kidding obviously but, I am very good at reading my friends and family. I often know what their motivation is for something before they do. It makes me seem like a know-it-all so I tend to keep it to myself. The issue is that most people don’t know why they are acting the way they are acting or if they do they are suppressing it. That’s if they are even aware of their actions at all.

It’s human nature and a protection method to believe that everything that happens around you is by your hand. This self-centered paranoia allows us to ignore how our actions may effect others. It’s natural, no one is doing it on purpose but, for someone like me it makes you easy to read but hard to interact with.

Ok so there’s this boy (save your ooohs and ahhhs this is not the romantic lead you’ve been looking for). My perception at this point is that we’ve been flirting in class. Now I know ok, don’t trust the bitch with a thought disorders perception or else you will end up in a very dark place but, just hear me out. We went to this party at a friends house. Flirting ensued (and I have checked with my sources and this has been confirmed) but, I still don’t think he’s into it. As soon as I try to make plans or whatever it just feels distant. It’s fucking confusing.

I’m not one of those people that gets hung up on a guy after he smiled at me and said my name once, you need to give me concrete evidence if you like me or else I will not believe it. But, this is something that I think might be flirting. I can’t read him. It’s driving me nuts.

Give me anyone else. Doug, Captain, Olive, Daisy, Amanda, Dakota, Cleo etc. I can read them. That sounds cocky but, especially the first four I’m pretty confident in my abilities. People I haven’t even gotten to know well I can figure it out. I once figured out there was a patients wife stealing narcotics from him just by listening to a 20 minute conversation. I make wild connections and I’m good at it. Sometimes it leads me into a dark spiral but, this time I’m just fucking stumped.

I don’t know if it’s this kid or the situation. My self-esteem might be so low that I just can’t even fathom him actually being into me. But, he’s certainly not making it easy and I’m too busy for this kind of challenge. Or maybe I’m just too scared of getting hurt. They aren’t mutually exclusive but, I have a feeling the second is effecting my behavior more than the first.

This post isn’t supposed to be some teenage girl’s diary entry about her crush although I see the similarities. I’m trying to explain that relationships (romantic or not) can and will be effected by mental health. Perception is everything in relationships. How we see ourselves and how we interpret others behaviors can in turn effect our own actions. So, when your perception is altered it makes relationships more difficult. It becomes much easier to sit back and watch life unfold, reading the room, predicting what might happen. Letting life go by makes you feel more in control than taking action and realizing that we truly are at the mercy of the universe most of the time.

Yikes.

My big fear in regards to this guy is maybe he doesn’t perceive what he’s doing as flirty. I don’t want to get get excited or too interested just to find out my perception was off.  I’ll keep trying to understand even if the book feels like it’s upside down and backwards. I can’t start assuming shit yet I’m only on chapter one but, if you know the ending feel free to clue me in. I do have to say though this kid is very interesting and complicated. If he was a book he’d be a bestseller for sure.

Sincerely,

Your Strong Female Lead

episode fifty-seven // plot twist

Plot Twist: Your Strong Female Lead was forward and had open and health communication about something she was stressing about.

This. Is. Big.

Okay okay I joke it’s not that deep but, it’s giving me a new sense of confidence in my life. The world didn’t end like I thought it would and that piece of evidence will be useful in future opportunities for communication. Well, except for the part of my brain that says it hasn’t gone badly...yet.

I’m trying to keep this piece at bay. I want to feel the independence I gained from my thoughts. I conquered this huge mounting fear and it was impressive for me.

Unfortunately though, the independence can feel lonely. I know it may feel like “damn this bitch cannot be pleased,” but in reality it’s more that when my mind is preoccupied with school and other worries it makes me forget how alone I am. I’m dreadfully bored too.

And boredom leads to depression.

Aware of this very thin line I’m trying to stay occupied. I call my friends on FaceTime and talk about whatever the fuck is going on even if I don’t need to talk about anything specific, I just need to talk and make someone laugh. This method was effective prior to finals. Unfortunately now my friends are scattered to their corners busy as hell but, my final isn’t for a week or two so I’m like...just chilling I guess.

But, in this time on my own and not calling my friends all the time I did make some big decisions based on what I thought and want. Instead of constantly asking for opinions, I just did it, and it turned out fine. This happened a few times. I had to be confident in my own brain for once and trusting it paid off. I’m still alive with no other input/ignoring the input of others. It’s cool.

Moving forward I hope this becomes a regular thing. I know it won’t happen overnight but, maybe I can somehow keep this shit going. I’ll be way more efficient with less cooks in the kitchen.

However this new found confidence is not without opposition by my depressive tendencies of the holidays and of just being actually alone. I’m trying to dive in to my studies but, I don’t want to ignore the depression either, I don’t want it to get bad again...big yikes.

Let’s end on a happy note.

1. Successfully used open communication and it actually worked and nothing is ruined (yet)
2. The semester is almost over meaning there will be a surplus of people to be with equaling less lonely time! Coping strategies hell yeah!
3. The semester is almost over so I don’t have to worry about the signs and symptoms of diabetic ketoacidosis for at least 5 weeks

Wow I love lists. Stay strong through your finals and the holidays. Try to take time for yourself and if you have to indulge in junk food and trashy reality tv to cope with this time of year do it.

For all my friends that go to therapy you will love this:

Time to test those coping strategies that they told you to work on before you needed them but, you definitely didn’t practice at all so now you have to try to remember everything you learned in DBT or wait was it CBT? Or was it ACT? Which one is the one with the acronyms? Fuck this is why they say to test them out before you’re in crisis.

If you’ve done any of the cognitive therapies you will probably relate to that, if not you might be like isn’t ACT a college test?

Ok sorry lemme just end this. So soon things will be better and my brain can breathe. Please if you are reading this and you’re one of my pals bring home all the overdramatic tea your four year college has to offer...I need more material to keep my tv show interesting.

Sincerely,

Your Strong Female Lead

episode fifty-six // burden of proof

Burden.

I’ve talked about this mind fuck that I live with before but, I don’t think I’ve ever really realized why I had this mentality. Well I mean that was until this past weekend.

My family came into town for thanksgiving. I know it sounds nice but, not always. I’m the youngest, I’m the one that gets shit on the most and the one everyone is trying to give unwanted and invalidating advice. I’ve been able to avoid it since I moved out and my family moved away but, holidays are when they want to catch up on time missed.

I know they don’t do it to be cruel, and I am very lucky to have them, it’s just when you finally see the reason why you are the way you are you cannot unsee it.

My family has a tendency to want to handle everything and although they wanted to be part of the conversation once they found out what it was about they usually thought it to be stupid and wonder why I was even upset in the first place. It started when I was young and I was an annoyance. “Don’t bother mom with this she’s so stressed” or “Your father had a long day at work he doesn’t want to hear about that” were frequently spoken around my house and led to a childhood where my problems were often compared to people who had it far worse off than I, disregarding any emotion or feeling I was having as irrelevant in the grand scheme. I have been conditioned to believe my thoughts and feelings should take a back burner to others. Jealousy turns into a dirty feeling and the only way to be loved is to stop “making such a big deal out of everything” and do my work.

None of this was purposeful on my family’s part. Everyone was just trying to spare everyone else from the 6 year old having anxiety over thinking some girl is mad at me just because she looked at me weird. It turned my life into a pinball machine where I would be knocked from person to person looking for connection and validation just to be sent away again.

It mirrors what happened later in life with doctors visits. Going one to the other no answers and there always being another person to shrug me off. That’s deep.

I’m not saying that I had a horrible childhood by any means, it just explains a lot about how I see myself, about this burden mentality.

My social life has been directly effected by this. Asking for help can be painful, expecting anyone to actually want to spend time with me is literally insane, and no matter how many times someone says they care about me and don’t mind when I text them I assume they are lying to me.

It’s fucked, it’s like really fucked and I can’t get away from it. My poor friends have to deal with the fact that unless they tell me everyday that they want me in their life, I might believe that I’m disposable. And even then it’s so easy for my brain to argue that they are doing it just because they want something from me.

I started validating my friendships using gifts and buying them food at a very young age. I would tell myself that this is how I prove my worth but, after they accept the offer, it becomes the only reason they stay around and I’m just the deliverer of goods.

I have this desire to have all my friends come together and get along but also an overwhelming fear that I was the catalyst for my own expenditure. Both parties will like each other way more than they will like me, I mean I would.

This happens 24/7, all the time. Sometimes I’ll  get mad about something and argue to myself that I don’t deserve to be treated someway just to shatter into pieces at the thought of confronting the person that made me angry.

I have friends though, some have been around for 10 years now, but I’d be lying if my insecurities hadn’t almost ruined those friendships at least once. And I have no reason to be insecure. Think about how my friends came through for me this summer at the cabin. I think about it often. My brain in its darkest state has tried to come up with so many excuses for why they would come back. They can’t possibly care. But, they did and they do and I should know that. I can never know it for sure though.

I have this picture of me and my two friends who have been in my life since middle school. We took it this past weekend and I’m not gonna show it for anonymity reasons but I will describe it. It’s the three of us all bundled up and in a group hug. Daisy has this cheesy smile on her face in the center of the photo, Olive is looking at me laughing mightily at probably nothing. She doesn’t always like pictures of her laughing but, they are legit my favorite. As for me, My face is just peaking in on the side of the photo. I’m looking intently at Olive. My profile makes for great framing for the photo. The side of my face barely in it. I’m looking at these two wonderful people. It’s what I want to be, cozy and included even if it’s just a little.

These comments feel attention seeking and as if I’m dramatizing all of this. If you feel that way that’s your purgative but, what I can tell you is this is the most honest I’ve been about my friendships in this blog yet.

I started this blog because I was tired of casting myself as a supporting character, turns out it may be the only role I know how to play currently and attempting any other position feels selfish. My family’s voices echoing in my head. You see there’s no stopping this train in its tracks. I’m going to need a lot of re-wiring if I ever want this mindset to change. I’m certainly going to try, and fail but, I’ll try again. Because if I ever want to stop stressing my friends out and making them worry I need to stop believing that’s all I do. I need to start believing that they wouldn’t answer my text if they didn’t want to talk, they wouldn’t call back after missing my call if they didn’t want to know why I called. I’m not just some convenient friend, on the contrary most of my friends have every excuse to avoid me they have their own busy lives.

That photo is my phone background. It reminds me what I’m fighting for. I’m fighting to feel worthy of these people that are in my life. I’m fighting to feel better than the people that treat me like shit. It would be so easy to just sink into the loneliness and let it consume me. Let my demons that never go away take control of the wheel and drive us off a cliff. I could do that. But, although I wouldn’t be here anymore, the guilt of leaving my family and friends with any sort of grief, the kind of grief that has torn me a part for four years, is unbearable. And now with this new campaign “Make Sure Your Friends Are Okay” that’s happening on social media, I’m afraid it will make others feel they are responsible for what I feel and do. “I should have known” is a comment I hear quite a bit. But, at the end of the day warning signs are so different for everyone and I’d be lying if I said people always show them. I think this movement is important. We should talk more in general about mental health and those dark dark thoughts and feelings even if they are just fleeting. But, as someone who constantly feels like a burden anyway, it’s a scary thing to remember. On this earth, yes, we live for ourselves but a part of us is the connections we make with others. Whether it’s a negative or positive connection, severing it effects both parties. It’s a hard thing for me to wrap my head around when my self esteem is super low. Why would someone be effected I’m such a minuscule part of everyone’s lives? It doesn’t matter. Any death reminds us of our own mortality.

I don’t want anyone to feel any responsibility over my actions or feelings, they are mine. If you did something to cause them it is my job to tell you. It’s a contract of healthy communication. But, it must be understood, that some feelings and thoughts are not prompted by a specific outside or internal action. We may have emotions that can be assigned no fault and that’s okay! It is not anyone’s job to solve a feeling. This fear of distress and the fixing mentality has lead to a lot of my social downfalls. I cannot be fixed, although I wish I could be, and in conversation it feels pertinent to fix the feeling of others, mostly because residual feelings are similar to contact highs and if someone’s in pain a lot of people feel that and become anxious by it. But, as much as it is uncomfortable for you it is not your feeling. I mean your discomfort is and the residual feeling is and you can resolve that for yourself but, my feeling whatever it may be, will remain until it’s time for me to let go. No one is responsible for my feeling, that is not avoiding being a burden that’s healthy. I mean I think.

I don’t feel sorry for myself. I am the person who chooses my decisions not anyone else. Judging me for my decisions may feel good sometimes to you, but most of the time it’s to avoid your own feelings.

I still feel like a burden. I can’t help it and that’s okay. I don’t have to fix this feeling but, I do have to manage it. I’m trying to flip the script on myself. Every time I hear in my head the word “burden” I try to remember the “burden of proof” lies with the prosecution. Meaning when my brain comes to me with this accusation that I am a burden there should be evidence, beyond a reasonable doubt, that that is true. I’m trying not to let my thought disorder ruin my life and if I have to put it on trial to do so...so be it.

I know this was a long one but it was important to me to get it out. There’s a lot going on in my life at the moment and it’s hard for me to write about the past so I’m trying to keep up. There’s no commercial breaks or jump cuts in real life unfortunately. Hope you had a great Thanksgiving.

Sincerely,

Your Strong Female Lead

episode fifty-five // I might not be crazy

When I first started this blog over a year ago, it had one purpose: to be a secret refuge to express my thoughts and feelings. From then to now a lot has changed. I’ve become more and more confident in myself and my writing and I unapologetically share my experience with most people that ask. My blog although not completely public, is now open to a few friends and family and I have owned the questions I get regarding what I write here quite well. I have thought for a while that I had a good handle on my emotions. I knew when they were happening and why and I thought I knew how to control them. But, it seems my friends, I was a bit off the mark on that one.

I recently found out that I avoid having negative emotions towards anyone like it’s the plague. My therapist says I avoid negative emotions more than the average and with that comes repression.

A combination of my group therapy mentioning it and another friend calling me out on having repressed feelings has opened the flood gates. I’m in a whirlwind of the feels. I’m more anxious than I’ve been in months and it’s scary but, I think the wild thing is how this all came about.

Since this past weekend when I was in the hospital I have felt “crazy.” This was an undefinable state, I could not verbalize it but, I truly believed I was losing my mind and losing touch with reality. That’s a terrifying feeling! And I thought nothing could be worse until my group therapist explained she believed it was a mask feeling.

A mask feeling is basically defined as concealing one emotion by portraying another. An example is Someone is super sad but, They can’t really do anything with that so they get angry. It’s kinda like projection in a way but, it doesn’t involve another person. For me, I’m getting to a point where I could possibly have the “normal” life that I’ve always dreamed of but, it seems way to scary and so much work that my mind is just like “NOPE YOU BEST BE CRAZY THIS SHIT IS TOO MUCH” and sends me into a spiral.

It took a bit to realize this. It’s easier to be like “well, I’m crazy so he would never like me back” than it is to ask and be rejected. It’s easier to say “well, they are never going to give that internship to me I’m literally insane” than to apply and be disappointed. I’ve merged a self-protectant behavior and a self-sabotaging behavior into one. Most self sabotaging behaviors serve some sort of purpose or we wouldn’t do them. However, if I want to start the next step in recovery I’m gonna have to recognize these behaviors and actively choose a different route.

So, yeah no big dramatic ending or big news, or at-least what’s on my mind I need to sort it out first before sharing...if I ever share it. I’m not going to actively start having negative emotions towards people I’m just going to let myself sit with any feeling that comes my away, even if it’s uncomfortable.

So, I might not be crazy after all. I’m having normal emotions (which still suck by the way) but, It’s a step in the right direction except having feelings like this seems to have a lot more implications than an OCD attack...can’t seem to win here.

Sincerely,

Your Strong Female Lead